CONQUER  THE SCOTS...    
               Edward  Longshanks (Edward I of England)   Comes to  Scotland  to Conquer  the Scots. He  brings 4,000 men with him. As he  nears the battlefield, There suddenly  appears a solitary figure On  the crest of the hill. A  short, ginger-haired guy in a  kilt.    'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish guy on the  hill. 'Come  up here, ya English b******,   And I'll  give ye a  hammerin'!'      

 Edward  turns to his commander.. 'Send 20  men to deal with that little Scottish upstart,  he says.   The  commander sends twenty of   His best  men over the hill to kill the  Scotsman.    Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill,   The  little Scot  appears again.      'Ya English diddies!' he yells.   'Come on  the rest of ye!! Come  on, I'll have ye  all!' 

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed.   He turns  to his commander. 'Send 100 men  to kill that little guttersnipe!'   The  commander sends 100  men Over he hill to do the  job.   Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of  the Hill  once more, his hair all sticking up,   His  shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya  English SCUM!' he yells.   'I'm  just warming up!! Come and get me,   Ya  English sh*** !!' 

  Edward losses patience. 'Commander,  take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF  THE EARTH!' he yells.  The  commander gulps, but leads  four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the  hill.  Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.   His  clothing is all torn,        His face is covered in blood,   Snot and  Irn-Bru. 'Is that  the best ye can do??? You're  bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and  have a go ya bunch of English Sh***!!!' he  yells.

 Edward turns to his second in command.   'Take  1,000 men over that hill and don't come back   Till  you've killed him!' he commands.   The second in command gathers the men and they ride off   Over the hill to their fate..   

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back   At the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.            

  'It's a trap!!!  There's TWO of them!!!'

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes,' whispered the child, ' a policeman .'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME.'

 Three little ducks go into a Bar.....
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"




"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles.."

My wife and I went to the  cattle Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearl y b roke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.' 
 
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Who REALLY LOVES YOU?

This test really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. 



 
Lock your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

He asked his assistant what was wrong with him, the assistant said "he came in for some cough mixture, I couldn't find any, so I gave him some strong Laxative".

My chemist mate went berserk and said "you can't treat a cough with Laxative."

The Assistant calmly said "of course you can, look he's too scared to cough now"!

:hehe::cool:

Queen Mary's Lodge 3327

London

Gang Warily

My computer isn't working

What does it say on the screen

Theres nothing on the screen it just went blank

Were you working on it before it went blank

Yes

Did you knock out any cables

I don't think so i tried to look but i couldn't see

why couldn't you see

Cause the lights went out

Can you put the lights back on

No, theres a power cut.

Oh i see the problem

Is it serious

yes mam, do you still have the box that the computer came in

Yes its in the cupboard

Go and get it, pack up the computer and take it backtothe shop.

is it that serious, what do i tell them

tell them that your to stupid to own a computer.

The guy was unfortunately sacked for this piece of valuable advice. he should have got a medal for patience