THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

{Flight "Candid81" - an aeronautical interpretation of part of the First Degree ceremony}

[Candid81]: Clearance delivery, Candid81 is at the door, requesting clearance to the first degree.

[Clearance]: Candid81, I have your flightplan, and I see that it is of good report, cleared as filed. Contact Ground-East.

[Candid81]: Ground-East, Candid81 is ready for push and start at the door of the Lodge.

[Ground-E]: Candid81, good evening, squawk God and confirm prepared.

[Candid81]: Squawking God, preparation checklist complete. Candid81.

[Ground-E]: Candid81, thank you, cleared push & start from the door, face east, report ready to taxi.

[Candid81]: Cleared push & start, face east, sh.-i..st..t and tug confirmed attached.

[Candid81]: Candid81 is ready to taxi, north-west apron, facing east, before taxi prayer complete.

[Ground-E]: Candid81, please confirm you are still squawking God?

[Candid81]: Squawking God, Candid81.

[Ground-E]: Right-glad am I, Candid81, taxi to holding point Juliet Whiskey, via taxiway November, Echo, Sierra.

[Candid81]: Taxiing JW via N, E, S, Candid81.

[Ground-E]: All aircraft, take note, Candid81 is to taxi via November, Echo, Sierra and Whiskey for priority clearance to first degree.

[Ground-E]: Candid81, contact Ground-South, good day, sir.

[Candid81]: Contacting Ground-South, Candid81, good-day.

[Candid81]: Ground-South, Candid81 with you, holding Juliet-Whiskey.

[Ground-S]: Candid81, good evening, continue taxi holding-point Sierra-Whiskey via taxiways Sierra, Whiskey, and contact Ground-West.

[Candid81]: Taxi SW via S, W, contacting Ground-W, Candid81.

[Candid81]: Ground-West, Candid81 with you, holding Sierra-Whiskey.

[Ground-W]: Candid81, good evening, standby.
[Ground-W to Tower-East]: Tower-E, I have Candid81, holding point SW, pre-Mason checks complete.
[Tower-E]: Roger, pass him over.

[Ground-W]: Candid81, contact Tower-East.

[Candid81]: Switching to Tower-E, Candid81.

[Candid81]: Tower-E, Candid81 with you holding point Sierra-Whiskey.

[Tower-E]: Candid81, please confirm you are not under the influence of hijackers?

[Candid81]: Confirm free will and accord.

[Tower-E]: Candid81, please confirm full intention to complete the flight and not bail out mid-ceremony?

[Candid81]: Affirm.

[Tower-E]: Candid81, continue taxi to holding point Whiskey Mike in due form via taxiway November2.

[Candid81]: Taxiing WM via N2, Candid81.

[Tower-E]: Candid81, are you ready to receive obligation?

[Candid81]: Ready to copy obligation, Candid81.

[Tower-E]: Please confirm you will never reveal anything secret you see en-route, etc, etc.

[Candid81]: Confirmed.

[Tower-E]: Candid81, having been kept for a considerable time in a state of grounding, what currently do you most desire?

[Candid81]: F....t!

[Tower-E]: Candid81, cleared take-off, runway zero-niner. Surface wind is north-easterly and in your favour.

[Candid81]: Cleared take-off runway 09, Candid81.

[Tower-E]: Candid81, arise, welcome to the friendly skies.

---

Simon

UGLE / Lodge of Unity #132, Ringwood, Hampshire
Initiated Mar-2008, Passed Dec-2008, Raised Apr-2009
http://twitter.com/sjdobby http://www.facebook.com/house.elf

Author	Message
Terry	Posted 15/12/2008 05:39:44
Master Group: Forum Member Last Active: 08/01/2011 05:46:01 Posts: 586, Visits: 765 748	A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I"ve lost my grandpa! 'The cop asked, 'What's he like ?' The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Johnnie Walker Black Label and women with big tits.' Regards Terry Ryan Tamworth 652 NSW Australia Regards Terry Tamworth 652 Australia
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allybeggs	Posted 15/12/2008 16:29:12
Fellow Group: Forum Member Last Active: 09/09/2010 09:17:35 Posts: 133, Visits: 272 203	Roy V (12/12/2008) Ally, I'm sure that delightful lady I saw you with in the summer was quite light of hair ... see if Mark Adams will do you a special offer. :( As it Goes Roy, Tanya LOL'd when I told it, so no need just yet to ask Mark for a deal, although I will buy him a couple of drinks on Friday and see if there is anything chance of discount should anything happen... :cool: (He's coming to a meeting of Queen Mary's Lodge at GQS) Ally Queen Mary's Lodge 3327 London Gang Warily
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*Tom Cherup*	Posted 15/12/2008 23:35:46
Forum Moderator Group: Moderator Last Active: 11 hours ago Posts: 1,483, Visits: 4,737 1,828	One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!' His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded . The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?' She replied with a snicker. It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!' Tom Cherup 32° Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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allybeggs	Posted 17/12/2008 16:39:18
Fellow Group: Forum Member Last Active: 09/09/2010 09:17:35 Posts: 133, Visits: 272 203	Bro Rabbie Burns joke, if anyone wants it PM, me I will send it. It's a tad rude for "Open Forum" Ally Queen Mary's Lodge 3327 London Gang Warily
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*Tom Cherup*	Posted 19/12/2008 00:31:00
Forum Moderator Group: Moderator Last Active: 11 hours ago Posts: 1,483, Visits: 4,737 1,828	A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind ofgender that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' The wife replied, 'The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first guess.' Tom Cherup 32° Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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*Tom Cherup*	Posted 19/12/2008 00:37:23
Forum Moderator Group: Moderator Last Active: 11 hours ago Posts: 1,483, Visits: 4,737 1,828	It's time again for the yearly 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who sblackjacked hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stellas for the past year: 7TH PLACE: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. 6TH PLACE: Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher. 5TH PLACE: Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more... 4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella 's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch. 3RD PLACE: Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a sblackjacked soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go... 2ND PLACE: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware , sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 1ST PLACE: May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please. This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner is Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, OK , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her (are you sitting down?) $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. You can't fix stupid .and now it’s profitable. Tom Cherup 32° Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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*Tom Cherup*	Posted 20/12/2008 02:40:02
Forum Moderator Group: Moderator Last Active: 11 hours ago Posts: 1,483, Visits: 4,737 1,828	NINE WORDS WOMEN USE *(1)* *Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when the y are right and you need to shut up.* *(2)* *Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.* *(3)* *Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.* *(4)* *Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!* *(5)* *Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)* *That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.* *(7)* *Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that* *will bring on a 'whatever').* *(8)* *Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying* *F--* *YOU!< /I>* *(9)* *Don't worry about it, I got it*: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. Tom Cherup 32° Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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sjdobby	Posted 22/12/2008 11:38:34
Fellow Group: Forum Member Last Active: 24/06/2011 16:13:21 Posts: 119, Visits: 929 234	{Flight "Candid81" - an aeronautical interpretation of part of the First Degree ceremony} [Candid81]: Clearance delivery, Candid81 is at the door, requesting clearance to the first degree. [Clearance]: Candid81, I have your flightplan, and I see that it is of good report, cleared as filed. Contact Ground-East. [Candid81]: Ground-East, Candid81 is ready for push and start at the door of the Lodge. [Ground-E]: Candid81, good evening, squawk God and confirm prepared. [Candid81]: Squawking God, preparation checklist complete. Candid81. [Ground-E]: Candid81, thank you, cleared push & start from the door, face east, report ready to taxi. [Candid81]: Cleared push & start, face east, sh.-i..st..t and tug confirmed attached. [Candid81]: Candid81 is ready to taxi, north-west apron, facing east, before taxi prayer complete. [Ground-E]: Candid81, please confirm you are still squawking God? [Candid81]: Squawking God, Candid81. [Ground-E]: Right-glad am I, Candid81, taxi to holding point Juliet Whiskey, via taxiway November, Echo, Sierra. [Candid81]: Taxiing JW via N, E, S, Candid81. [Ground-E]: All aircraft, take note, Candid81 is to taxi via November, Echo, Sierra and Whiskey for priority clearance to first degree. [Ground-E]: Candid81, contact Ground-South, good day, sir. [Candid81]: Contacting Ground-South, Candid81, good-day. [Candid81]: Ground-South, Candid81 with you, holding Juliet-Whiskey. [Ground-S]: Candid81, good evening, continue taxi holding-point Sierra-Whiskey via taxiways Sierra, Whiskey, and contact Ground-West. [Candid81]: Taxi SW via S, W, contacting Ground-W, Candid81. [Candid81]: Ground-West, Candid81 with you, holding Sierra-Whiskey. [Ground-W]: Candid81, good evening, standby. [Ground-W to Tower-East]: Tower-E, I have Candid81, holding point SW, pre-Mason checks complete. [Tower-E]: Roger, pass him over. [Ground-W]: Candid81, contact Tower-East. [Candid81]: Switching to Tower-E, Candid81. [Candid81]: Tower-E, Candid81 with you holding point Sierra-Whiskey. [Tower-E]: Candid81, please confirm you are not under the influence of hijackers? [Candid81]: Confirm free will and accord. [Tower-E]: Candid81, please confirm full intention to complete the flight and not bail out mid-ceremony? [Candid81]: Affirm. [Tower-E]: Candid81, continue taxi to holding point Whiskey Mike in due form via taxiway November2. [Candid81]: Taxiing WM via N2, Candid81. [Tower-E]: Candid81, are you ready to receive obligation? [Candid81]: Ready to copy obligation, Candid81. [Tower-E]: Please confirm you will never reveal anything secret you see en-route, etc, etc. [Candid81]: Confirmed. [Tower-E]: Candid81, having been kept for a considerable time in a state of grounding, what currently do you most desire? [Candid81]: F....t! [Tower-E]: Candid81, cleared take-off, runway zero-niner. Surface wind is north-easterly and in your favour. [Candid81]: Cleared take-off runway 09, Candid81. [Tower-E]: Candid81, arise, welcome to the friendly skies. --- Simon UGLE / Lodge of Unity #132, Ringwood, Hampshire Initiated Mar-2008, Passed Dec-2008, Raised Apr-2009 http://twitter.com/sjdobby http://www.facebook.com/house.elf
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Iain	Posted 22/12/2008 17:17:06
Master Group: Forum Member Last Active: 17/11/2011 12:26:40 Posts: 588, Visits: 770 674	My grandfather was an air raid warden during the war One night the sirens went off he saw a woman running to her house, He shouted at her you silly sod you are going the wrong way, She replied i need to go back get my teeth, he said its F'n bombs they are dropping not PIES Cheers, Iain Dumbarton Kilwinning Lodge No 18
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Alan Campbell	Posted 22/12/2008 23:10:07
Past Master Group: Forum Member Last Active: 04/02/2012 12:02:46 Posts: 1,247, Visits: 2,228 1,391	Little Johnny gets on the bus and sits down next to a man reading a book with a dog collar on. Why do you have a your collar on back to front he asks the man, because i am a Father replies the preist, so is my dad and he doesn't wear his back to front, Patiently the preist states, i am a father to many children, little johnny says i have 4 brothers and 3 sisters and my dad still doesn't do that, tryin to get back to his book and losing patience the preist says yes son but i am a father to hundreds... Little johnny thinks upon this and says well maybe you should have put your shirt on the right way and worn your trousers back to front.
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