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Alan Campbell
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Posted 18/12/2009 12:05:57
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Last Active: 04/02/2012 12:02:46
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Just for those who might over indulge during the festive season:-THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Phenomenal
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Phenomenon
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 01/01/2010 20:56:07
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The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, heh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 02/01/2010 00:59:08
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Keith
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Posted 11/01/2010 04:51:29
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 29/01/2012 04:48:25
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We are all accustomed nowadays to organ transplants - kidneys, heart, lungs etc.
I heard that the Johns Hopkins Hospital and Medical School ion Baltimore has been doing brain transplants. At a news conference, someone asked what the price was for a brain. The doctor said that male brains are $5000, female brains are $1000,
When asked why the disparity in prices he said that they were forced to discount the price of the female brains - they had been used.
Keith
PM. Waimarino 175
Kaimanawa 426
Waikato Lodge of Research 445
Taupo, New Zealand
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Stu Thorpe
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Posted 13/01/2010 10:52:42
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Last Active: 17/01/2012 14:37:12
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Little girl says to her mum - "Mummy, you're getting rather fat!"
Mum replies "Yes darling, but you know there's a baby growing in my tummy!"
Daughter replies "So what's growing in your arse?"
Stuart Thorpe
Forum Moderator
Secretary, Forest of Arden Lodge No 3826
IPZ and Scribe E, Shenstonian Chapter No 5544
Junior Warden, Shenstonian Lodge No 5544
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 14/01/2010 02:10:45
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DUI - MICHIGAN STYLE
(Only a person in da U.P. OF MICHIGAN could think of this)
From a region (da U.P.) where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story .
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine, Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine,
dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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Peter Lorton
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Posted 17/01/2010 12:45:00
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Last Active: 04/01/2012 13:29:10
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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !"
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Stu Thorpe
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Posted 17/01/2010 16:50:53
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Can I please add another reminder - if cutting and pasting jokes from other sources such as e-mails, please re-format them yourself - it will take we moderators much less time to delete them than edit them for you, so that may be the route we have to take!
Stuart Thorpe
Forum Moderator
Secretary, Forest of Arden Lodge No 3826
IPZ and Scribe E, Shenstonian Chapter No 5544
Junior Warden, Shenstonian Lodge No 5544
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Vintagemalt
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Posted 23/01/2010 15:06:24
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Last Active: 19/01/2012 12:21:24
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Dark thoughts..
One day an English mason, a Scottish mason, and an Irish mason were in the bar after the meeting.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
Stephen 
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allybeggs
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Posted 03/02/2010 16:27:58
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 09/09/2010 09:17:35
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Capello phoned Wayne Bridge the other night and told him John Terry has lost the Captains Armband, he says, "do me a favour, look under your bed"!
Queen Mary's Lodge 3327London Gang Warily
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