|
Peter Lorton
|
Posted 30/11/2009 16:39:28
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 04/01/2012 13:29:10
Posts: 33,
Visits: 200
|
Little girl at her prayers : "Please God, send some clothes for the ladies on Grndad's computer"
|
|
|
|
|
freight10
|
Posted 30/11/2009 21:52:05
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 08/08/2011 23:45:31
Posts: 36,
Visits: 103
|
A young mason is walking along the street one day when he passes a pet shop, he notices in the window 3 parrots, one clothed in an EA apron, another wearing an FC apron & the 3rd wearing an MM apron.The young man being a curious fellow walks in the shop & speaks with the owner. How much for the EA parrot he asks.. That's £500 replies the owner, why so much asks the mason, well because this is no ordinary parrot the owner say's it is capable of reciting the entire first degree, the working tools & the tracing board. Wow the mason replies, so how much then for the FC parrot, ah well that's £1000 answers the owner. A £1000 replies the shocked mason, well yes this parrot can recite the entire first degree, the working tools & the tracing board, the second degree, working tools & the tracing board plus the first & second degree charges. Well how much then for the MM parrot, £1500 for that one replies the owner, but that one can do all 3 degrees, all working tools, tracing boards, charges, you name it, he know's it. That;s incredible says the mason, he then notices in the corner of the shop an older parrot clothed in provincial blue... Ah the shop keeper says noticing the masons gaze, that parrot is £10. The mason can't believe it, why so little he says. The owner replies........well all it does is sit in the corner tutting & shaking it's head.
Trevor
|
|
|
|
|
Tom Cherup
|
Posted 01/12/2009 02:46:31
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: Yesterday @ 23:10:41
Posts: 1,550,
Visits: 4,958
|
Affordable Health Care
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance, He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "do you have a relative who could help you?" He said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
|
|
|
Alan Campbell
|
Posted 01/12/2009 15:53:56
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Active: Yesterday @ 19:01:12
Posts: 1,326,
Visits: 2,429
|
Salesman goes for a new job, and is asked if he some experience, a little he says. The manager says he will give him a try out and see how it goes.At the end of the day the manager visits the new employee and asks how many sales he has had. Just the one he says. One.... our salesman usually make 30 or 40 a day. How much was the sale for, £277,423. How much!! What did you sell him. A fishing hook, Then he needed a rod to go with it, so i sold him that, then i find out he needed a boat as he only fished offshore. So i took him to the boat department and got him a new boat, but the boat was bigger than his last one and his car wouldn't have been able to pull this one, so we went to auto sales and got him a new pick-up. Your telling me that a guy came in to buy a fishing hook and you manage to sell him a new rod, a new boat, and a new pick-up truck. No don't be daft he came in looking for a box of tampax for his girlfriend and i said well seeing as your weekend is screwed up at home you might as well go fishing. Employee of the month.
|
|
|
|
|
bod
|
Posted 02/12/2009 09:57:08
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Active: Yesterday @ 16:42:20
Posts: 752,
Visits: 3,220
|
I had to fight off the Grim Reaper last night using a vacuum cleaner
Talk about Dyson with death.....
|
|
|
|
|
sjdobby
|
Posted 15/12/2009 09:51:49
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 24/06/2011 16:13:21
Posts: 119,
Visits: 929
|
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the
panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The
squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"
SimonUGLE / Lodge of Unity #132, Ringwood, Hampshire
Initiated Mar-2008, Passed Dec-2008, Raised Apr-2009
http://twitter.com/sjdobby http://www.facebook.com/house.elf
|
|
|
|
|
Tom Cherup
|
Posted 17/12/2009 01:36:54
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: Yesterday @ 23:10:41
Posts: 1,550,
Visits: 4,958
|
It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Michigan asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
|
|
|
Alan Campbell
|
Posted 18/12/2009 12:05:57
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Active: Yesterday @ 19:01:12
Posts: 1,326,
Visits: 2,429
|
Just for those who might over indulge during the festive season:-THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Phenomenal
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Phenomenon
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
|
|
|
|
|
Tom Cherup
|
Posted 01/01/2010 20:56:07
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: Yesterday @ 23:10:41
Posts: 1,550,
Visits: 4,958
|
The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, heh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
|
|
|
Tom Cherup
|
Posted 02/01/2010 00:59:08
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: Yesterday @ 23:10:41
Posts: 1,550,
Visits: 4,958
|
|
|
|
|
