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Alan Campbell
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Posted 03/12/2008 01:48:05
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 04/02/2012 12:02:46
Posts: 1,247,
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Little Johnny's next door neighbour is coming home with their new born son and the boy has been born without any ears.Johnny's dad says now johnny dont you dare mention this boy has no ears, if you dare mention it you will get the smacking of your life. So they go in to see the boy. Oh what a beautiful baby says little johnny, and he looks so healthy. thank you little johnny says the babies mum, And is his eye sight ok yes little johnny the doctor says it will be 20/20 vision. Good says little johnny cause he would be screwed if he needed glassses.
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danielson23uk
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Posted 03/12/2008 13:20:50
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 25/09/2010 10:45:41
Posts: 12,
Visits: 77
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A man returns home and bursts into the bedroom where his wife is in bed. He's somewhat tipsy with a live sheep under one arm . He announces,
"See! THIS is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not around!"
His wife replies,
"That's a sheep dear not a pig."
"I WAS TALKING TO THE SHEEP!" He replies.
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 03/12/2008 19:53:02
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Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: 11 hours ago
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A friend is a Nikon Shooter.Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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Bibamus
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Posted 05/12/2008 07:02:12
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 06/09/2011 09:45:57
Posts: 5,
Visits: 51
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N H S IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
"Mrs. Brown, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Brown, this is Doctor Finlay at Saint John’s Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Brown arrived as well.
We are now uncertain which one is your husband’s.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Brown asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Brown.
"Normally we can, but N H S will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at N H S recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the centre of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 05/12/2008 15:40:07
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Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: 11 hours ago
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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for the holidays and paying their own way."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 05/12/2008 16:08:33
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Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: 11 hours ago
Posts: 1,483,
Visits: 4,737
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P…..
E…..
N…..
I……
S…..
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ...
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 05/12/2008 16:09:49
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Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: 11 hours ago
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
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Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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Tom Cherup
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Posted 05/12/2008 17:55:16
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Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Active: 11 hours ago
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
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daves
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Posted 06/12/2008 23:37:45
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 19/02/2011 04:33:16
Posts: 273,
Visits: 480
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Just for Tom.An American boards an intercity train in London to travel up to Scotland. The train is very full and he wanders up and down the tain looking for a seat. Eventually he finds a seat next to an old lady occupied by a miniature poodle. "Ma'am," says the American, "There are no spare seats on this train, would you please move your dog." "Certainly not, young man. I've paid for this seat so that my little Fifi can travel in comfort. You'll just have to stand." "Ma'am, I really must insist. You'll have to put the dog on your lap. I need to sit down." "Young man, I've told you. My Fifi is not moving from her seat. You'll just have to stand." The American has had enough. He picks up Fifi, opens a window and throws the dog out of the train. At this point an elderly gentleman puts down his copy of the Times, and says, "That's the trouble with you Americans: you drive on the wrong side of the road, hold your fork in the wrong hand, can't pronounce Aluminium; and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the train."
Daves
The Carrington Lodge (WAC 363)
Western Australian Lodge of Research (WAC 277)
Bassendean RA Chapter (WAC 20)
18o Sharon SRCC (No 140 AASR, Australia)
[url=http://thecarringtonlodge.blogspot.com][/url]
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daves
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Posted 06/12/2008 23:40:54
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Group: Forum Member
Last Active: 19/02/2011 04:33:16
Posts: 273,
Visits: 480
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I was having a wonderful round of golf when one of my golfing buddies asked me if I'd ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife."No," I replied. "Neither has he!" Couldn't hit the ball or putt straight after that.
Daves
The Carrington Lodge (WAC 363)
Western Australian Lodge of Research (WAC 277)
Bassendean RA Chapter (WAC 20)
18o Sharon SRCC (No 140 AASR, Australia)
[url=http://thecarringtonlodge.blogspot.com][/url]
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