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By Alan Campbell - 03/12/2008 01:48:05
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Little Johnny's next door neighbour is coming home with their new born son and the boy has been born without any ears. Johnny's dad says now johnny dont you dare mention this boy has no ears, if you dare mention it you will get the smacking of your life. So they go in to see the boy. Oh what a beautiful baby says little johnny, and he looks so healthy. thank you little johnny says the babies mum, And is his eye sight ok yes little johnny the doctor says it will be 20/20 vision. Good says little johnny cause he would be screwed if he needed glassses.
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By danielson23uk - 03/12/2008 13:20:50
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A man returns home and bursts into the bedroom where his wife is in bed. He's somewhat tipsy with a live sheep under one arm . He announces,
"See! THIS is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not around!"
His wife replies,
"That's a sheep dear not a pig."
"I WAS TALKING TO THE SHEEP!" He replies.
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By Tom Cherup - 03/12/2008 19:53:02
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A friend is a Nikon Shooter.Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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By Bibamus - 05/12/2008 07:02:12
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N H S IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
"Mrs. Brown, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Brown, this is Doctor Finlay at Saint John’s Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Brown arrived as well.
We are now uncertain which one is your husband’s.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Brown asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Brown.
"Normally we can, but N H S will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at N H S recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the centre of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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By Tom Cherup - 05/12/2008 15:40:07
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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for the holidays and paying their own way."
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By Tom Cherup - 05/12/2008 16:08:33
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P…..
E…..
N…..
I……
S…..
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ...
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By Tom Cherup - 05/12/2008 16:09:49
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
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By Tom Cherup - 05/12/2008 17:55:16
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
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By daves - 06/12/2008 23:37:45
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Just for Tom. An American boards an intercity train in London to travel up to Scotland. The train is very full and he wanders up and down the tain looking for a seat. Eventually he finds a seat next to an old lady occupied by a miniature poodle. "Ma'am," says the American, "There are no spare seats on this train, would you please move your dog." "Certainly not, young man. I've paid for this seat so that my little Fifi can travel in comfort. You'll just have to stand." "Ma'am, I really must insist. You'll have to put the dog on your lap. I need to sit down." "Young man, I've told you. My Fifi is not moving from her seat. You'll just have to stand." The American has had enough. He picks up Fifi, opens a window and throws the dog out of the train. At this point an elderly gentleman puts down his copy of the Times, and says, "That's the trouble with you Americans: you drive on the wrong side of the road, hold your fork in the wrong hand, can't pronounce Aluminium; and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the train."
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By daves - 06/12/2008 23:40:54
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I was having a wonderful round of golf when one of my golfing buddies asked me if I'd ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife. "No," I replied. "Neither has he!" Couldn't hit the ball or putt straight after that.
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By Tom Cherup - 07/12/2008 03:17:15
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too' .
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By Tom Cherup - 07/12/2008 03:19:06
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
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By Tom Cherup - 07/12/2008 04:23:36
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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So, the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
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By Dave Monger - 07/12/2008 07:47:08
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Inner peace I am passing this on to everyone because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning: I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of famish grarsh, a bottly of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an an box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece!!
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By Dave Monger - 07/12/2008 09:37:09
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They say that the best days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it! Joe and John were identical twins. John owned a dilapidated old boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented the boat to a group of students, who promptly sank it! John spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could and was out of touch with everyone for all of the day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother Joe's wife died suddenly. When he got back to shore, John went to Tescos to get a few things. A kind old woman neighbour mistook him for Joe and said "I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. You must feel terrible." John, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Not at all! As a matter of fact I'm glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a bloody great hole in the front. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I suppose that what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four students looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The bloody fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she just split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.
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By Bibamus - 08/12/2008 19:30:44
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40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here.
Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota now.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No! The gates'
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By Alan Campbell - 08/12/2008 22:10:17
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Man wakes up in the morning after a very heavy night out with the lads, it was that bad he can't remember getting home or into bed. As he is walking downstairs he notices the pictures are off the wall broken, in the kitchen there is a broken vase and a note from his wife. Your breakfast is in the oven see you later darling. Just then his son comes in and he asks him what happened, he said you came home stinking drunk singing very loudly waking up the whole house, you then staggered upstairs knocking all the pictures down and stumbling into the vase on the stand which you broke. then tell me whyyour mother is being so nice to me. Oh thats easy he says. she was getting your clothes off trying to put you to bed and you shouted get off ya slag i'm a married man.
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By allybeggs - 11/12/2008 08:52:48
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You need to sing the bit at the end of this joke! A Blonde died and was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first is, which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
'The second is, how many seconds are there in a year?'
'And the third is, 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'OK then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest the answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
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By Roy V - 12/12/2008 00:33:26
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Ally, I'm sure that delightful lady I saw you with in the summer was quite light of hair ... see if Mark Adams will do you a special offer. :(
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By Tom Cherup - 13/12/2008 15:48:11
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A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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By vicdaddy - 14/12/2008 20:35:24
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After leaving collage a young man started up a business for himself. He got a loan and equipped a small office in a good part of town."Appearance is everything," he told his newly hired secretary. On his first day in business he sat at his polished desk in his smart suit and waited for an idea to occur to him. Just then his sectetary com into the room and announced that there was a gentleman to see him. "Great," thought the young guy "things are moving already." Remembering his own aphorism, he picked up the phone . As the visiter was shown into his office the young man adopted a businesslike frown and shouted into the receiver, "Tell them i won't sell for less than a hundred thousand." Then he slammed the phone down in a businesslike way and smiled at the visitor. "Good morning, and what can I do for you?"he asked. "It's more what I can do for you," said the caller. "I'm here to connect your phone" :blush:
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By Tom Cherup - 14/12/2008 22:17:01
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While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Ticket ------------------ $195.00
Court Costs ------------- $45.00
Look on cops face ------- Priceless
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By Tom Cherup - 14/12/2008 22:25:25
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While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you...."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then, you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and wearing casual clothing. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf; then, everyone changes into evening clothes; and then, they dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne and enjoy an evening of dancing.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now, it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then; you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now, choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now, there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says: "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted!!"
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By Tom Cherup - 14/12/2008 22:26:42
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'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to get'r done).
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By Tom Cherup - 14/12/2008 22:28:04
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Have you heard about this case? Great answer from the judge!
In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor,
How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists.
Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!
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By Tom Cherup - 14/12/2008 22:29:50
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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
Your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
And a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
Or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
Hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
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By Tom Cherup - 15/12/2008 01:13:14
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A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!
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By Tom Cherup - 15/12/2008 01:22:42
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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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By Tom Cherup - 15/12/2008 01:25:35
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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By Terry - 15/12/2008 05:39:44
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I"ve lost my grandpa! 'The cop asked, 'What's he like ?' The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Johnnie Walker Black Label and women with big tits.' Regards Terry Ryan Tamworth 652 NSW Australia
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By allybeggs - 15/12/2008 16:29:12
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Roy V (12/12/2008)
Ally, I'm sure that delightful lady I saw you with in the summer was quite light of hair ... see if Mark Adams will do you a special offer. :(As it Goes Roy, Tanya LOL'd when I told it, so no need just yet to ask Mark for a deal, although I will buy him a couple of drinks on Friday and see if there is anything chance of discount should anything happen... :cool: (He's coming to a meeting of Queen Mary's Lodge at GQS) Ally
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By Tom Cherup - 15/12/2008 23:35:46
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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded . The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?' She replied with a snicker. It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!' |
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By allybeggs - 17/12/2008 16:39:18
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Bro Rabbie Burns joke, if anyone wants it PM, me I will send it. It's a tad rude for "Open Forum" Ally
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By Tom Cherup - 19/12/2008 00:31:00
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind ofgender that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
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By Tom Cherup - 19/12/2008 00:37:23
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It's time again for the yearly 'Stella Awards'!
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who sblackjacked hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella 's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE:
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a sblackjacked soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware , sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE:
May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please. This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner is Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, OK , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her (are you sitting down?) $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
You can't fix stupid .and now it’s profitable.
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By Tom Cherup - 20/12/2008 02:40:02
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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when the y are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!< /I>
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
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By sjdobby - 22/12/2008 11:38:34
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{Flight "Candid81" - an aeronautical interpretation of part of the First Degree ceremony} [Candid81]: Clearance delivery, Candid81 is at the door, requesting clearance to the first degree. [Clearance]: Candid81, I have your flightplan, and I see that it is of good report, cleared as filed. Contact Ground-East.
[Candid81]: Ground-East, Candid81 is ready for push and start at the door of the Lodge.
[Ground-E]: Candid81, good evening, squawk God and confirm prepared. [Candid81]: Squawking God, preparation checklist complete. Candid81. [Ground-E]: Candid81, thank you, cleared push & start from the door, face east, report ready to taxi. [Candid81]: Cleared push & start, face east, sh.-i..st..t and tug confirmed attached.
[Candid81]: Candid81 is ready to taxi, north-west apron, facing east, before taxi prayer complete.
[Ground-E]: Candid81, please confirm you are still squawking God? [Candid81]: Squawking God, Candid81. [Ground-E]: Right-glad am I, Candid81, taxi to holding point Juliet Whiskey, via taxiway November, Echo, Sierra. [Candid81]: Taxiing JW via N, E, S, Candid81. [Ground-E]: All aircraft, take note, Candid81 is to taxi via November, Echo, Sierra and Whiskey for priority clearance to first degree. [Ground-E]: Candid81, contact Ground-South, good day, sir. [Candid81]: Contacting Ground-South, Candid81, good-day.
[Candid81]: Ground-South, Candid81 with you, holding Juliet-Whiskey.
[Ground-S]: Candid81, good evening, continue taxi holding-point Sierra-Whiskey via taxiways Sierra, Whiskey, and contact Ground-West. [Candid81]: Taxi SW via S, W, contacting Ground-W, Candid81.
[Candid81]: Ground-West, Candid81 with you, holding Sierra-Whiskey.
[Ground-W]: Candid81, good evening, standby.
[Ground-W to Tower-East]: Tower-E, I have Candid81, holding point SW, pre-Mason checks complete.
[Tower-E]: Roger, pass him over. [Ground-W]: Candid81, contact Tower-East. [Candid81]: Switching to Tower-E, Candid81.
[Candid81]: Tower-E, Candid81 with you holding point Sierra-Whiskey.
[Tower-E]: Candid81, please confirm you are not under the influence of hijackers? [Candid81]: Confirm free will and accord. [Tower-E]: Candid81, please confirm full intention to complete the flight and not bail out mid-ceremony? [Candid81]: Affirm. [Tower-E]: Candid81, continue taxi to holding point Whiskey Mike in due form via taxiway November2. [Candid81]: Taxiing WM via N2, Candid81.
[Tower-E]: Candid81, are you ready to receive obligation?
[Candid81]: Ready to copy obligation, Candid81. [Tower-E]: Please confirm you will never reveal anything secret you see en-route, etc, etc. [Candid81]: Confirmed. [Tower-E]: Candid81, having been kept for a considerable time in a state of grounding, what currently do you most desire? [Candid81]: F....t! [Tower-E]: Candid81, cleared take-off, runway zero-niner. Surface wind is north-easterly and in your favour. [Candid81]: Cleared take-off runway 09, Candid81.
[Tower-E]: Candid81, arise, welcome to the friendly skies. ---
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By Iain - 22/12/2008 17:17:06
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My grandfather was an air raid warden during the war One night the sirens went off he saw a woman running to her house, He shouted at her you silly sod you are going the wrong way, She replied i need to go back get my teeth, he said its F'n bombs they are dropping not PIES
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By Alan Campbell - 22/12/2008 23:10:07
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Little Johnny gets on the bus and sits down next to a man reading a book with a dog collar on. Why do you have a your collar on back to front he asks the man, because i am a Father replies the preist, so is my dad and he doesn't wear his back to front, Patiently the preist states, i am a father to many children, little johnny says i have 4 brothers and 3 sisters and my dad still doesn't do that, tryin to get back to his book and losing patience the preist says yes son but i am a father to hundreds... Little johnny thinks upon this and says well maybe you should have put your shirt on the right way and worn your trousers back to front.
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By MalcolmT - 28/12/2008 15:55:22
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True Stories from British Hospitals 1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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By Keith - 28/12/2008 22:22:03
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An American tourist staying at Aoraki-Mt Cook bit off more than she could chew. Puzzled housekeeping staff were called to help the Hermitage Hotel guest who complained she couldn't get her pizza out of the microwave oven in her room. Turns out the guest had put the pizza in the safe and, while pressing buttons, had activated the lock. (Source: TheHermitagehotel.blogspot.com)
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By Alan Campbell - 30/12/2008 22:24:47
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Little Paddy goes into Domino's and orders a pizza, when it is ready the girl asks him if he wants it cut into 6 pieces or 8, oh cut into 6 he says i couldn't eat 8 pieces......:D
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By Alan Campbell - 03/01/2009 19:57:07
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CONQUER THE SCOTS...
Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) Comes to Scotland to Conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, There suddenly appears a solitary figure On the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt. 'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. 'Come up here, ya English b******, And I'll give ye a hammerin'!' Edward turns to his commander.. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of His best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, The little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye all!' Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!' The commander sends 100 men Over he hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the Hill once more, his hair all sticking up, His shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English sh*** !!' Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, His face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of English Sh***!!!' he yells. Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back Till you've killed him!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off Over the hill to their fate.. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back At the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. 'Your Majesty!' he yells. 'It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!'
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By Alan Campbell - 03/01/2009 20:15:15
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Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes,' whispered the child, ' a policeman .'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME.'
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By Alan Campbell - 03/01/2009 20:17:34
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Three little ducks go into a Bar.....
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles.."
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By Alan Campbell - 03/01/2009 20:21:11
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My wife and I went to the cattle Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearl y b roke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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By Alan Campbell - 03/01/2009 20:23:09
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Who REALLY LOVES YOU? This test really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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By allybeggs - 05/01/2009 12:31:42
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A Friend of mine who is a Chemist was telling me the other day that on returning from his lunch break, he saw a very nervous sweaty looking character in the corner of his shop. He asked his assistant what was wrong with him, the assistant said "he came in for some cough mixture, I couldn't find any, so I gave him some strong Laxative". My chemist mate went berserk and said "you can't treat a cough with Laxative." The Assistant calmly said "of course you can, look he's too scared to cough now"! :hehe::cool:
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By Tom Cherup - 06/01/2009 23:47:16
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Cancel your credit cards before you die ... (hilarious!)
Now some people are really stupid!
Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on her
credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now
somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in
January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to
collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has
been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she
is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you -
the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in
January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and
charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her
estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was
given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't
know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not,
you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still
apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot
Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your
planet?'
(Priceless!)
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!
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By Alan Campbell - 08/01/2009 13:06:12
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Seeing as we're talking about call centres and help desks, this was a call put to IT support. My computer isn't working What does it say on the screen Theres nothing on the screen it just went blank Were you working on it before it went blank Yes Did you knock out any cables I don't think so i tried to look but i couldn't see why couldn't you see Cause the lights went out Can you put the lights back on No, theres a power cut. Oh i see the problem Is it serious yes mam, do you still have the box that the computer came in Yes its in the cupboard Go and get it, pack up the computer and take it backtothe shop. is it that serious, what do i tell them tell them that your to stupid to own a computer. The guy was unfortunately sacked for this piece of valuable advice. he should have got a medal for patience
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By daves - 13/01/2009 02:56:03
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Man goes to the Doctor's.
"You've got high blood pressure," says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion." says the man.
"You're ugly too!"
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By Alan Campbell - 13/01/2009 22:15:45
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My wife is a real sex object, everytime i ask for sex she objects?
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By daves - 14/01/2009 07:25:38
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Always walk a mile in another man's shoes. That way when he finds his shoes missing, you'll be at least a mile away.
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By Iain - 16/01/2009 23:00:27
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Why do they call PMS PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
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By Iain - 16/01/2009 23:17:03
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A man buys his wife a coat made from 2000 hamster skins.
She wore it when they went to Blackpool for the day ...
he couldn't get her off the big wheel.
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By daves - 17/01/2009 22:57:13
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Was playing golf the other day with a mate. While we were putting out at the 2nd green, a funeral cortege passed by on the other side of the fence. My mate stood to attention, took off his cap and bowed his head.
"That's the best thing I've ever seen you do, showing such respect to the departed," I said.
"Well it was the least I could do, I was married to her for thirty years!"
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By Terry - 18/01/2009 02:52:40
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Not sure if this is approiate, moderators feel free to remove if you wish, two sperm were having a yarn, 1st sperm said how far to the ovaries, 2nd sperm said a long way as we only just passed the tonsills Regards Terry
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By sjdobby - 19/01/2009 17:20:11
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An English doctor moved to Scotland and started working at a hospital there. On his first day he was taken on a tour of the wards. He got to one ward and a patient jumped out at him and shouted "His knife see rustic Labour dight, An' cut you up wi' ready sleight...". Slightly perturbed, the doctor continued through the ward until another patient jumped out of bed and said "The groaning trencher there ye fill, Your hurdies like a distant hill...". Increasingly worried he carried on and just as he was leaving the ward yet another patient leapt out and shouted "Poor devil! see him owre his trash, As feckless as wither'd rash...". The doctor then turned to the person escorting him on his tour and said "I presume this is the mental ward...?" The escort replied "No, Doctor,...... ...this is the serious Burns unit!"
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By allybeggs - 20/01/2009 09:44:59
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sjdobby (19/01/2009)
An English doctor moved to Scotland and started working at a hospital there. On his first day he was taken on a tour of the wards. He got to one ward and a patient jumped out at him and shouted "His knife see rustic Labour dight, An' cut you up wi' ready sleight...". Slightly perturbed, the doctor continued through the ward until another patient jumped out of bed and said "The groaning trencher there ye fill, Your hurdies like a distant hill...". Increasingly worried he carried on and just as he was leaving the ward yet another patient leapt out and shouted "Poor devil! see him owre his trash, As feckless as wither'd rash...". The doctor then turned to the person escorting him on his tour and said "I presume this is the mental ward...?" The escort replied "No, Doctor,...... ...this is the serious Burns unit!" For the Scots members of the forum! A:cool:
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By allybeggs - 20/01/2009 09:45:19
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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
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By daves - 21/01/2009 07:17:02
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Ally,
It was 4 fathoms, don't exaggerate
Rgds
Dave
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By allybeggs - 22/01/2009 18:15:42
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Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have wild sex with me but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and spent the next hour having the most amazingly wild sex, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 pm, and upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by For a while this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'Good. He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back’
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By Tom Cherup - 25/01/2009 20:18:13
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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By Terry - 26/01/2009 03:37:02
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Now there's a thoughtful husband!!!!!!!!! A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have headache.' 'Perfect,' her husband said.'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.' Terry
Tamworth Australia
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By allybeggs - 26/01/2009 10:54:46
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The Man Rules&s hy;
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf .
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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By Mike Martin - 26/01/2009 23:40:53
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Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
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By Mike Martin - 26/01/2009 23:42:40
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the doctor said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
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By Terry - 27/01/2009 06:51:41
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientist have demonstrated that
if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -- bacteria found
in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beers (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a public service.
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By Terry - 27/01/2009 06:56:44
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.FWD: |
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By Terry - 27/01/2009 06:59:29
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Stunning Senior Moment
A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it
upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, computers
with light-speed processing...and more.'
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:
'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so
we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the
next
generation?'
The applause was amazing.......
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By Terry - 27/01/2009 08:30:39
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A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!
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By Terry - 27/01/2009 08:34:38
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One Kiwi says to another: "Hey Bro, what's a Hindu?"
> The second Kiwi replies "Lays eggs Bro."
>
> #####################################
>
> A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
> 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'
> 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.
> I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.'
>
> #####################################
>
> HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?
>
> 1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
>
> 2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
>
> 3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March
> 17th) than Target sells all year.
>
> 4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears +
> Costco
> + K-Mart combined.
>
> 5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private
> employer. And most can't speak English.
>
> 6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
>
> 7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and
> keep
> in mind they did this in only 15 years.
>
> 8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy
> (including Winn-Dixie).
>
> 9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
>
> 10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are
> SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
>
> 11. This year, 72 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at
> a
> Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 65 billion.)
>
> 12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
>
> 13. So ... Let Wal Mart bail out Wall Street.
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By allybeggs - 28/01/2009 14:03:30
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A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.' The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said . . . .
You'll love this. . . . . . . . . . . . . 'Mop and bucket, Till 5'
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By allybeggs - 28/01/2009 14:06:25
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
'I don't remember much after that...' |
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By allybeggs - 28/01/2009 14:19:22
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
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By Tom Cherup - 28/01/2009 17:03:57
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fire fighter inhlaes too much smoke www.banthis.com/videos/423/Stoned-Fireman.html
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By allybeggs - 28/01/2009 17:10:11
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An Older, white haired gent walked into a jewellery shop one Friday night with a stunning young brunette on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said 'No, i'd like to see something more special.' At that, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought an absolutely stunning ring, 'it's a steal at £40,000' the Jeweller said. The young lady's eyes were sparkling and trembling with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'we'll take it.' The jeweller asked how he'd like to pay for the ring, the old man said 'by cheque.' 'I know you'll need to make sure my cheque is good, so i'll write it now, and you can call the Bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I will collect the ring on Monday afternoon.' Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money in your account.' he said. 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!!'
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By Terry - 29/01/2009 01:22:38
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Imagine if major companies around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy
The following brands would probably not sell very well.....
* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
* TAC Condoms: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
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By Terry - 29/01/2009 01:27:37
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (
el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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By Tom Cherup - 29/01/2009 16:43:58
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
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By Tom Cherup - 29/01/2009 16:44:37
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
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By Tom Cherup - 29/01/2009 16:45:23
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' |
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By Alan Campbell - 29/01/2009 21:20:31
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Seeing as Tom started them...... 2 Blondes walk into a building... you would have thought one of them would have seen it. boom boom
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By sjdobby - 30/01/2009 11:51:07
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Why men should NOT write advice columns...
Dear Terry,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
______________________________________
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Terry
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By Terry - 31/01/2009 23:53:41
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AIN'T LOVE GRAND Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
----------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' | |
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By Terry - 31/01/2009 23:54:38
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& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible crevice furthest away from you.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre while running late for work.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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By Terry - 01/02/2009 00:17:11
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Being a grandparent...
>
> 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
> of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she
> applied her lipstick and
> started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the
> toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again
> without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!
>
> 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
> asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment,
> and then he
> asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
>
> 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
> slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
> the
> children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
> Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
> putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
> heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
>
> 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
> childhood
> was like: 'We used to skate outside on
> a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
> yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The
> little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure
> wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
>
> 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know
> how
> you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how
> are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.
>
> 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
> grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
> 'What's
> it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.
>
> 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
> decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
> was.
> She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
> continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you
> should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
>
> 8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
> lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
> Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
> whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us
> with flashlights.'
>
> 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not
> sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm
> four
> to six.'
>
> 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
> 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The
> grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
> 'That's
> interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied
> the
> girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
>
> 11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a
> teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
> pregnant.'
> The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what
> pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It
> means carrying a child.'
>
> 12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
> home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
> the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
> duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said
> another, 'He's just for good luck .' A third child brought the argument
> to
> a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire
> hydrants!'
>
> WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
> (Answers, taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
>
> --Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
> own. They like other people's.
>
> --A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
>
> --Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
> see
> them.
>
> --They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
>
> --It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
>
> -- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
> leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of
> the
> flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, 'Hurry
> up.'
>
> --Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They
> wear
> glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out.
>
> --Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like
> 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
>
> --When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
> the
> same story over again.
>
> --Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
> television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with
> us. They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say
> prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
>
> --A six-year-old was asked where his grandma lives. 'Oh,' he said, 'she
> lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then, when
> we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.'
>
> --Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
> don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
>
> --It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their
> dog.
>
>
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By Terry - 01/02/2009 00:34:17
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youve got to see this, http://www.metacafe.com/w/2345895
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By Terry - 03/02/2009 02:58:14
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An American decided to write a book
about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took
a trip toOrlando, thinking that he would start by
working his way across the USA from South to North, then into Canada and on to the rest of the world.
On his first day he was inside a church
taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall
with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 you could
talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and
went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same golden telephone with the
same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind
of telephone he saw in Orlando and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America,
Europe, England, Japan,New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same
golden telephone with the same
'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to
Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived at the Gold Coast,
in Australia and again, in the first church
he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under
it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so
he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the
world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it
is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them
price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered,
'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
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By Tom Cherup - 03/02/2009 03:32:35
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Michigan Yoopers. After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the L.A. Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Escanaba Press, a local newspaper in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Rock and Perkins, Toivo Maki, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Toivo has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, the U. P. had already gone wireless.”
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By Terry - 04/02/2009 01:13:26
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation...
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'. 'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.
'They reckon it'll calm me down.
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab enquired. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'
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By Terry - 04/02/2009 09:18:14
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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a
Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to
sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he
sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always
arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the
heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to
investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The
punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist
aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'
Said.......
..................................
OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
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By Terry - 04/02/2009 09:44:14
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SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
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By Terry - 06/02/2009 23:10:43
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The Brothers Goldberg
>
> The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
> developed
> the first automobile air-conditioner.
>
> On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four
> brothers walked
> into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into
> telling
> him that four
> gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto
> industry
> since the electric starter.
>
> Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
> instead
> asked that
> he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get
> into
> the car, which
> was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car
> off
> immediately.
>
> The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
> offered them
> $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle
> for $2 million,
> but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
> Air-Conditioner,' on
> the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
>
> Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was
> no
> way he was
> going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
>
> They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4
> million and
> that just their first names would be shown.
>
> And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
> on
> the controls.
>
> So, now you know...
>
>
> P.S. Don't lose your sense of humor during these challenging times.
>
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By Alan Campbell - 07/02/2009 01:11:21
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For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, '
I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your
attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW HE IS . If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'
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By Alan Campbell - 07/02/2009 01:13:28
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
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By Alan Campbell - 07/02/2009 01:14:51
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy Crap, That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And that folks....is how the fight started.
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By Alan Campbell - 07/02/2009 01:17:16
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Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with
Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly
a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no,
it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?
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By Alan Campbell - 07/02/2009 01:20:32
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions? The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the bloody skippin'
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By Terry - 08/02/2009 23:10:24
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The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant the show's presenter, but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left: phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!'
Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
d)Cuckoo
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.'
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy, 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris' 'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'
Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!' |
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By Terry - 09/02/2009 02:00:27
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GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was ' DON'T !' 'Don 't what ? ' Adam replied. 'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said. 'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! ' ' No Way ! ' 'Yes way ! ' 'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ' God asked. 'Uh huh,' Adam replied. 'Then why did you ? ' said the Father. 'I don't know,' said Eve. 'She started it! ' Adam said. 'Did not ! ' ; 'Did too ! ' 'DID NOT ! ' ; Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT ! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:TAKE TWO AND KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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By Terry - 09/02/2009 02:14:27
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Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. Harry Reid
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison
1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN.
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By Terry - 09/02/2009 09:20:33
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How a marriage works!
All men should read this.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar..you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
..........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!
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By allybeggs - 11/02/2009 12:17:40
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the President of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as20square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige..
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada! |
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By allybeggs - 11/02/2009 17:28:37
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There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. L
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
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By Terry - 12/02/2009 04:30:39
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Mick was attending his 4wd clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.
When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?""
I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply.
" When I left the meeting last week I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. When the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said , ' Surprise ' .
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .'
SO HERE I AM
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By Terry - 12/02/2009 04:57:41
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A woman walks into the Kwinana Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch
'I call them by their surnames!' |
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By Terry - 13/02/2009 01:38:58
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George: We won't miss you. Your words of wisdom brought tears to our eyes .
'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.' - George W. Bush
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' - George W. Bush 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.' -George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.' - George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.' - George W. Bush 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.' - George W. Bush 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W Bush 'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe ' - George W. Bush 'Public speaking is very easy.' - George W. Bush 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' - George W. Bush 'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.' &nb sp;-George Bush 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.' - George W. Bush 'For NASA, space is still a high priority.' -George W. Bush 'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.' -George W. Bush 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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By Terry - 13/02/2009 01:42:03
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EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidenceof all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. AMEN !!
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By Terry - 13/02/2009 01:46:56
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So, here's the story. . . Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & sl umped to the floor........ The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!' This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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By Tom Cherup - 14/02/2009 05:12:26
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Teachers and police officers do have their moments!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1) 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
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By Terry - 15/02/2009 00:07:34
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Three men go golfing with their wives
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.' |
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By Tom Cherup - 15/02/2009 02:01:48
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's
a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup
of tea,' and then, he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the
box.'
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By allybeggs - 16/02/2009 11:32:57
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How to wash a toilet This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
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By allybeggs - 16/02/2009 16:51:19
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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.' The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his old man one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his old man two hundred and fifty times.... :cool:
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By Tom Cherup - 17/02/2009 19:44:22
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HEADLINE DETROIT: DETROIT FREE PRESS 2-17-09 Detroit, MI
Detroit Police today reported finding a body in the Detroit River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt.
The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment. *************************** The American Football team first to lose all it's 29 games in a season. (0-29) |
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By Terry - 18/02/2009 08:12:46
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Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near Mount Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is this with your strange Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard chasing hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about sh*t on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says: 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man, 'He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink p***, and listen to bull-sh*t.'
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By Terry - 19/02/2009 01:52:17
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture
in Victoria when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me
a
calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image
has been processed and the data is stored.. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?'
! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'
'You're a Member of Parliament for the Australian Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a mob of
sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.
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By wolfy - 21/02/2009 00:10:08
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probably already been told but... The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
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By Soren - 21/02/2009 19:45:36
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Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, rearranged her clothing and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The the thrapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but most Fridays, I've got Lodge.
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By Terry - 21/02/2009 22:28:55
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Heaviest element...
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, but takes from four days to four years to complete...
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. another candid explanation of the facts...
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By Terry - 22/02/2009 04:24:40
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BRAVE MAN JOKES --- How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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By Tom Cherup - 23/02/2009 17:50:48
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Dam! I'll be. I did it twice? Oh well Senior Moment. It's gone, why wast the space! Here's a replacement: A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50-feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He enquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"May I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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By Tom Cherup - 23/02/2009 19:26:49
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and saw her in the hallway buck
naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the
drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him
square in the eyes and says...
'Grandpa;... Go home!
You're drunk.' . . .
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By allybeggs - 24/02/2009 11:12:51
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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....
Four-sprung
Duck technique
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By allybeggs - 24/02/2009 17:17:40
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Not sure if this has been on before, I have seen it once but don't think it was here, apologies if it was here! One for Bro Mark Adams. Glesga mortuary
A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy.
She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin.
You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit.
I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched their heids.' :w00t:
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By Alan Campbell - 27/02/2009 20:59:04
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This is a joke for mainly the scots but it can be adapted for any sports team world wide: On a tour of Scotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen notice just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Celtic jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Rangers tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach. On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country.""Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?
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By Alan Campbell - 27/02/2009 21:01:33
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Again this can be adapted for anywhere: A wee fella from Larkhall appeared on Mastermind, his chosen subject was 'The Masonic Lodge - 1812 to 1990' - He took the chair and Magnus Magnusson started the quiz with the first question - "In which year did the women's section of the masonic lodge evolve ?" The wee fella replied "Pass". "Next question - By the turn of the twentieth century, how many masonic lodges were established in Scotland ?" The wee fella again replied "Pass" ! "Your third and final question - Who was the founder and eventual grand master of Lodge 264 in Ayrshire ?" - Again the wee fe!la replied "Pass". "Your time's up ! You've passed on all three questions with a total score of nil", announced Magnus Magnusson just as voice rang out from the audience, "That's the gemme wee man, tell him f*** all !"
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By allybeggs - 02/03/2009 15:09:05
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A farmer named Seamus had a road traffic accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the f**k would you have said?
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By allybeggs - 02/03/2009 15:14:34
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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
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By Terry - 03/03/2009 01:32:27
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates..'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......... |
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By Terry - 03/03/2009 01:34:52
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Quote of the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
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By Terry - 03/03/2009 01:48:34
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
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By Terry - 03/03/2009 02:14:45
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A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the t ask.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church. '
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you
sell for the church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t o y-y-you??'
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By Terry - 03/03/2009 23:59:17
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Two Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off And streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!
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By Tom Cherup - 04/03/2009 00:51:25
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Get out of the car! (Thia is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle, She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun at the top of her lungs. "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, someshat shaken, then procceded to load her shopping bags into the back of gthe car and got into the driver's seat. S was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and gtwo 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergent to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filrd. Moral of the story? If your going to have a senior moment.......Make it memorable.
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By Terry - 04/03/2009 09:30:37
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My kids went to Catholic school..
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" the nun asked
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!" |
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By Terry - 06/03/2009 08:55:44
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Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
************ ********* *********
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Mike
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By Terry - 06/03/2009 09:01:33
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
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By Terry - 06/03/2009 09:07:52
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs. |
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By Tom Cherup - 08/03/2009 02:22:09
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Perils of being a Mason
As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for lodge.
My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds
that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them. Recalling my Masonic teachings that always
admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry
and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge
to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be
described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags.
My heart was touched by this person's condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out,
'Reach out, reach out and touch this person.
So I did.......
I won't be at Lodge this week.
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By sjdobby - 09/03/2009 14:13:31
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The Australian ventriloquist
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Vent: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Vent: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Vent: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Vent: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Vent: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Vent: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi ........... shouts out: ..................(in a huge panic) ......................... "The sheep's a f****** liar……"
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By Terry - 11/03/2009 03:19:17
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'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
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By puzzler - 12/03/2009 01:37:04
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Start Over
Customer: "I haven't come to any ham in this sandwich yet."
Waiter: "Try another bite."
Customer (taking huge mouthful): "Nope, not yet."
Waiter: "Doggone it! You must have gone right past it."
A Wee bit Too Pious
A Scottish lady invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day and he accepted with the reservation, "If I am spared."
"Weel, weel," replied she, "if ye're deid I'll no' expect ye."
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By allybeggs - 12/03/2009 10:41:25
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To Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write 'For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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By colin - 13/03/2009 05:56:57
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c_ck that size." |
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By Terry - 13/03/2009 07:03:54
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Br. & Sir Winston
There is a government position in the UK called the "Lord Privy Seal," and
during WW II, Winston Churchill didn’t much like the fellow who filled that
office, and one suspects the feeling was mutual.
One morning Churchill’s secretary knocked on the bathroom door and said,
"Sir Winston, the Privy Seal is on the telephone."
Sir Winston replied . . . "Please tell the Privy Seal that I am sealed to
the privy, and I can only deal with one shit at a time!"
***
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By puzzler - 13/03/2009 20:57:43
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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
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By Mike Martin - 13/03/2009 23:35:25
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Gents and Ladies, I am locking this topic for a while so that you can all read this. If you want to cut and paste jokes, you must edit them before posting so that they don't balls up the page. Before posting check the state they make of the page by "previewing". I've just wasted a fair amount of time trying to edit cut n' past html text and to be honest I'll just delete them in future as I don't want to have to spend all my time editing messy pages so others can read them, I want to join in the discussions.
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By allybeggs - 26/03/2009 09:02:43
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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By Peter Lorton - 27/03/2009 16:44:22
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The alternative Medical Dictionary :
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.............. A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain..................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour......................... One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
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By PM Worton - 31/03/2009 17:14:20
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Sorry I missed that one on page 17 or I wouldn't have repeated it:hehe: so try this one on for size: A lady brings a child to the doctor & exclaims no matter what we try he just cannot gain any weight. the doctor asks is the child bottle or breast fed & she tells him breast fed. The Doctor then asks her to expose her breasts. After a very thorough examination of her breasts the Doctor exclaims no wonder the child isn't gaining weight you have no milk in your breasts. The lady then replies I know I don't have any milk in my breasts I am his Grandmother !!
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By Iain - 03/04/2009 21:57:04
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Best PMT Question Ever
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb!
They
don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they
figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them,
2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to
change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME
f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER
PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
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By Roy V - 03/04/2009 22:26:54
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My daughter had a shorter answer to that one: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb? 26. Why? Because it DOES!!!!
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By Terry - 05/04/2009 06:18:51
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The Original Computer!!
... and, almost certainly, the most reliable -- no hangups,
no freezez, no horrible messages, no tantrums ...
Memory was something you lost with age;
An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor was a person who used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ...
you just hoped nobody ever found out!
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By Terry - 05/04/2009 06:22:09
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11 PEOPLE .... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman,
she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . .. . . . .
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By Terry - 09/04/2009 06:40:48
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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell
their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'
The teacher is mortified and scolds
Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
She remembers Johnny's rude answer and decides to give him a very
difficult question.
'Where is the Pakistani border?'
'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got
fuck all for breakfast'.
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By Terry - 15/04/2009 10:31:21
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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, 'I've never come this way before.'
The other nun whispers, 'It's the cobblestones'
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By Terry - 15/04/2009 10:38:09
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented
a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down,
and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when
cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention,
a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and
kicked the shit out of him.
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By Terry - 18/04/2009 11:44:56
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As it should be
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were
true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St.Peter.
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the
head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled
your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.
With that, God turned to the one man and asked, 'How did you manage to be
the only one in this line?'
And, the man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
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By Terry - 22/04/2009 05:07:56
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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied .
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!
she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit
.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
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By allybeggs - 22/04/2009 10:43:13
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Terry, A few repeats there matey! Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother
because I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and is really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from? San Francisco? to? New York City? ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gomez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
A clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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By Terry - 26/04/2009 08:25:50
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A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were drinking together in
McSorley's Bar in New York City and having a great St. Patrick's Day.
'Y'know', said the Scotsman', I still prefer the pubs back home. In
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes
out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will
buy the fifth drink for you.'
'Well', said the Englishman', At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'
'Ahhhrr, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs to see that you get laid. All on the
House'.
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but
he swears every word is true.
'Wow!', said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'
'Not meself, personally, no', said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me
Sister.'
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By Terry - 28/04/2009 07:52:20
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Hoochie's Bad Day
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA
(You just can't make this stuff up!!)
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left
his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with
a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A
spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high
grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later,
Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three
years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there
too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was
this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!
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By allybeggs - 28/04/2009 13:12:11
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I've just won a holiday to Mexico, I can't go, i'm Pig Sick!
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By sjdobby - 01/05/2009 09:46:02
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. 'I want the house' he says insistently.
Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
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By MalcolmT - 01/05/2009 13:57:04
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DHS (01/05/2009)
allybeggs (28/04/2009)
I've just won a holiday to Mexico, I can't go, i'm Pig Sick!Hogwash! :D Watch out when you come out in rashers
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By Terry - 03/05/2009 09:37:27
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Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you
control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
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By Terry - 03/05/2009 11:12:17
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
Coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.'
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By sjdobby - 08/05/2009 12:14:21
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New Standard Operating Procedures released today. Please learn.
BBQ RULES Here in the UK we are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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By Terry - 09/05/2009 07:33:11
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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.
Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.
I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'
.......'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
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By Terry - 09/05/2009 11:31:10
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Camel S-x
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert .
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane s-x with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
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By Tom Cherup - 09/05/2009 21:51:05
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Undercover Clergy A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize." |
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By Terry - 10/05/2009 03:07:46
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are
all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.
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By Terry - 10/05/2009 03:50:40
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The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, while visibly shuddering.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman,
'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that when you sneeze you shudder violently. Are you ok?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, ' Pepper.'
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By Mike Lawrence - 14/05/2009 12:37:03
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The last time I was in Belfast was during the troubles and while catching up on a spot of lunch, a waiter noticed two wires sticking out of a sandwich. Well the place was cleared as the resturant manager telephoned the police to explain what he had found. "Is the sandwich ticking" asked the Police operator. "No Sir" said the manager, "I tink its beef".
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By Terry - 20/05/2009 02:10:39
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Subject: Cruise Diary of a Single Lady DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.
______________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be.
I met Captain Kenny today and he seems like a very nice
man.
_______________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for
dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time.
He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
__________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino .... did OK .... won about
$80.
The Captain invited me to have the dinner with him in
his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with
caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told
him there was no way I could, I hardly knew him.
____________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend
the rest of the day inside.
The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me
to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me
he would sink the ship.
I was appalled...
_______________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today.
Twice
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By Terry - 20/05/2009 02:42:50
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Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?
It gets worse........
next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
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By Terry - 20/05/2009 05:47:02
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A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price.'
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By Terry - 20/05/2009 06:26:18
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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy - 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and his ears and I tink both his legs are broken'
Operator - 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy - 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'
Operator - 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.
After a minute:-
Operator - 'Are you there sir?'
Silence.
A minute later:-
Operator - 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'
This goes on for another few minutes until:-
Operator - 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'
Paddy - 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.
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By Terry - 20/05/2009 06:30:26
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Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it..
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Australia '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was
forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
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By Terry - 22/05/2009 08:31:25
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Little Johnny wasn't doing very well at maths so his dad checked around the other schools in the area and found that the local catholic school had the best maths results for the area so he enrolled Johnny for the next term.
At the end of the first term he checked Johnnies report card and he got 100% for maths. Dad was overjoyed and asked Johnny what the difference in the teaching standards were to produce such a change in just one term.
Johnny said "That's not it, dad, the first day I arrived I saw this bloke nailed up to a bloody big plus sign and I wasn't gonna let them do that to me.
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By Terry - 22/05/2009 08:48:47
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it and on, and on, and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
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By allybeggs - 27/05/2009 14:12:48
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For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....
'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school. :D:D:D:cool:
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By Terry - 01/06/2009 04:27:19
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Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider
These . . ..
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit,
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some
even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could
solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could
use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal
after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill inAlaska was $80,000.00. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in
full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the
kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay
enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to
bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
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By Terry - 01/06/2009 07:00:08
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WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that
in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March......."
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By Terry - 01/06/2009 07:00:51
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A man walks into a chemists, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The chemist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good
thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom,
and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the
interest of
the chemist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his assistant, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to
follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom,
starts cracking up, then leaves. The chemist tells his assistant to go
follow the guy.
About an hour later, the assistant comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the chemist.
"Your house." replies the assistant.
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By Terry - 02/06/2009 11:48:14
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Lipstick in School
>
>
>
> According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney's Eastern
> Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem.
>
> A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
> in the bathroom.
>
> That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
> their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>
> Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
> girls would put them back.
>
> Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
>
> She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
> maintenance man.
>
> She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
> the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
> imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
>
> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
> the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
>
> He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and
> cleaned the mirror with it.
>
> The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited
> and apparently someone fainted.
>
> Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>
>
> There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.
>
>
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By Terry - 02/06/2009 22:15:34
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Why we love children! -or- Their minds work in a different way. 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom,that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 while taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right ,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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By Terry - 02/06/2009 22:19:12
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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
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By Tom Cherup - 03/06/2009 01:21:24
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
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By Tom Cherup - 03/06/2009 01:23:11
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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
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By Tom Cherup - 03/06/2009 01:24:36
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
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By Tom Cherup - 03/06/2009 01:25:58
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A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
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By Tom Cherup - 03/06/2009 01:26:57
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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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By MalcolmT - 03/06/2009 13:55:29
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THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male ! or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up th e midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nith mouf. Can I see her twot?'
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's f***y, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up sputtering and coughing.
'Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit?'
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By Soren - 03/06/2009 22:47:30
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Staff Warning - Swearing at Work
Dear Employees
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able accurately to express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
3.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole
4.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
5.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
6.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.
7.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
8.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
9.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
10.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
11.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
12.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
13.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then
14
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?
15
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock
16
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?
17
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live
18
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up
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By Terry - 05/06/2009 10:52:48
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Irish
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother
and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a
big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as
the vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that
night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one
right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin'
towel!'
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By Tom Cherup - 08/06/2009 17:49:51
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
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By dwillard - 09/06/2009 19:04:34
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' Asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' Satan persisted.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years’
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By Soren - 10/06/2009 23:47:53
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To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Sylvia Park, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XX
P.S.
Your girlfriend phoned.
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 07:52:18
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Dealing with a negative outlook A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 07:55:43
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A lovely Australian poem It has something for everyone - If you know the bush, it will appeal
to you, if you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you
too, if you have a sense of humour - well, it might test it a little and if
you are not an Australian, then it won't help your knowledge of Australian
life one bit....................... Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his
feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled
out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without
trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came
about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling
breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his
death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for
oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make
some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about
three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went,
post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I
thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught
short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that
night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't
know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did
his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 07:59:44
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A funeral processionA man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a
leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this
with so many of you walking in single file.
Whose funeral is it?'
The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied ' My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Join the queue.' | |
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 08:04:19
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A damm fine explanation The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 08:07:00
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Job interview A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything? He replied, 'yes - caffeine'. Have you ever been in the military service? 'Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?' The guy said, 'Yes... a roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer said O.K. - You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day. The guy puzzled asks, 'if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10? 'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that!'
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 08:09:56
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Clocks in Heaven A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands
Have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office.
He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 08:11:59
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one for the old guys- heal it GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.....
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...
GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...
GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD.
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By Terry - 14/06/2009 08:13:47
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Funny I thought Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says OK, ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me
feet are freezing..'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed .
He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.
They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fukin one?'
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By Terry - 16/06/2009 07:58:59
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HeHeHeA trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm homesick. | |
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By Terry - 16/06/2009 08:13:54
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Ear HairMy neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to her
vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from
recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover
and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist to get some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She replies: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist responds: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for
a couple of days."
She says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm
using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist replies: "Then stay off your bicycle for a week." | |
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By Terry - 16/06/2009 08:16:09
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Australian Farmer A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation. The old farmer says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there. The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your card!............. Show him Your card! | |
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By Stu Thorpe - 16/06/2009 08:41:35
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Hi All
There are a lot of posts on here that have been copied & pasted from e-mails, which accounts for the dreadful formatting. However, I've just had to remove several e-mail addresses from one post - please be careful when pasting jokes in here!!!
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By sjdobby - 16/06/2009 10:22:54
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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By Sparker - 16/06/2009 10:31:26
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Bank robber is in a bank at the desk and saying to the Teller "fill up the bag with notes"... just then his balaclava becomes itchy and as he adjusts it to scratch himself, he unwittingly shows his features to the people nearby. "Did you see my face"? says the robber. A man nearby says "yes". With that, the robber shoots him dead. "Did YOU see my face"? says the robber to another man. "Yes" says the man (stupidly) and the robber shoots him dead as well. "Did YOU see my face"? says the robber to the third man. "No I didn't" says the third man, "but I think my wife did"!
:D
Tony.
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By Tom Cherup - 20/06/2009 17:41:38
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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can'tunderstand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.' 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole. |
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By Terry - 22/06/2009 06:35:20
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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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By Terry - 22/06/2009 06:44:28
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UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the ! next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
?The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f**k or drown !
?
Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
there is no better time to be happy than...
NOW | |
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By Terry - 22/06/2009 06:49:08
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
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By Terry - 24/06/2009 10:51:59
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Dear Tech Support;
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 2.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going to the Pub 7.5 and Softball 3.6. I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. Im considering going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall doesnt work on Wife 1.0. Please help.
Thanks,
Troubled User
Reply,
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that men often complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the program. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE ! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
WARNING!!! Do Not , under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
Tech Support
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By Terry - 25/06/2009 05:27:08
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Just try reading this without laughing!!!
It's the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...
??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
OK, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn
t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a second or two) and
thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshat,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BIATCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner
was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think education is difficult, try being stupid."
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By Terry - 28/06/2009 05:21:38
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Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.' |
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By Terry - 28/06/2009 05:35:48
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Little Johnnie Strikes Again
.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,
not fascinating'.
.
Sally raised her hand. She said,
'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him for his offering.
.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
.
The teacher sat down and cried
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By Terry - 30/06/2009 22:46:53
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It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
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By Terry - 30/06/2009 22:54:43
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a
resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by
three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and
cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel
and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of
the Murray River!!!
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By Terry - 01/07/2009 04:18:54
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This one is for Roy V When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The
lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic
becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car
arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"
"My car broke down officer," says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?" he asks.
"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers! | |
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By Tom Cherup - 01/07/2009 18:01:51
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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By Stu Thorpe - 02/07/2009 00:01:33
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Terry (28/06/2009)
Little Johnnie Strikes Again
.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,
not fascinating'.
.
Sally raised her hand. She said,
'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him for his offering.
.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
.
The teacher sat down and cried
The teacher then asks the children to use the word "contagious" in a sentence. There were various attempts based around swine flu - "My Grandma has swine flu, it's very contagious"...... until Johnny volunteers......"My Dad went to get some medicine for swine flu - it took the contagious....."And I apologise for not following my own earlier advice - sack me if you must:w00t:
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By Terry - 05/07/2009 06:48:12
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On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were driving through Wales. At
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us, can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr gurrr King'!
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By Terry - 05/07/2009 06:53:35
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A Nun Grading Papers
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk
grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and
maintain her composure!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A
CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST THAT KIDS WERE ASKED. THE QUESTIONS
ARE ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT
THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR
CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN
OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED
BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET
THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE THE DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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By Terry - 09/07/2009 08:44:56
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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament
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By Terry - 10/07/2009 06:50:08
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NEW WORLD SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the
world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally...........................
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian
accent. |
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By Terry - 10/07/2009 07:10:14
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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he
and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky ,
Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , Florida , West
Virginia and Washington DC
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By allybeggs - 14/07/2009 15:59:26
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The old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a pretty young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cattle, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping their coffee in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
The old man replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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By Terry - 15/07/2009 01:18:52
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It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the gm of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
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By Tom Cherup - 15/07/2009 16:21:05
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A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here.. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a week, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
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By Terry - 16/07/2009 06:31:01
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These are for Roy V, I know how much he likes them:P BLONDES, WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU? (Thank God gave us redheads as a backup....)
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."
==========================================
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
===========================================
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
==========================================
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.
==========================================
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"
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By Tom Cherup - 20/07/2009 17:11:39
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The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details," or putting it another way, "Who's ya Daddy?" These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child, as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard, where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man...I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was, as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him; can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B, who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV, rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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By Terry - 26/07/2009 08:39:12
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This is the updated version of their “Who’s on First?” skit and how it might play out today…… I do not know who the author is: but it is thought provoking.
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office!
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window’s.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’
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By Terry - 26/07/2009 08:55:21
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A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
'Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
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By allybeggs - 28/07/2009 11:47:00
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The Dead Cow and Vet School
First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
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By Terry - 30/07/2009 11:38:17
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THE BLONDE PAINTER
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going
to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is
okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to
do it, by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...,
You'll love this...,
Yep... I know you will... ,
'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'
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By Terry - 30/07/2009 11:42:39
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Subject: The zipper
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door Is open.'
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his 'barracks door.'
He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the
Counter he said,
'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Soldier standing in there
at
attention?'
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,
'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran Sitting on a couple of
old duffel bags.
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By daves - 31/07/2009 11:10:42
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"Grandma, can you make a noise like a frog?"
"Yes I think so, dear. Why do you ask?"
"Well Daddy says we're going to Disneyland when you croak."
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By Terry - 02/08/2009 11:14:29
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said.. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waitingfor the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
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By Terry - 02/08/2009 11:35:29
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On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14
inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset,
and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to
do. Which side of the street do I need
to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
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By Terry - 03/08/2009 08:45:13
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A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What′s going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side–lines.
The other replies "It′s a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
"What′s the score?" asks the first man.
"I don't know, it′s a secret."
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By Terry - 11/08/2009 07:02:15
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A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!" |
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By Terry - 11/08/2009 07:09:58
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Husband and wife are shopping in Coles when the man picks up a 12 pack of Victoria bitter and sticks them it into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on sale, only $10 for 12 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says
The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE
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By Terry - 11/08/2009 07:13:39
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A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he
noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was
heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right
beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or
vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.. We
have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish,'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me
Paddy.'
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By Terry - 12/08/2009 05:33:08
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Grandma's Oranges
��
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
��
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
��
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
��
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
��
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
��
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
��
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
��
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
��
The policeman fainted.
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By Terry - 12/08/2009 05:38:42
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UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is In her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating,
or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his
mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire..
No further studies are expected.
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By Terry - 12/08/2009 06:03:02
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WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless.. Wrong email address.
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart
attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
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By Tom Cherup - 18/08/2009 22:23:56
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The Story of Four Horse
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse.."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
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By Nosameerf - 20/08/2009 00:16:45
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Q) What's the good thing about going out with homeless girls.
A) You can drop'em off anywhere!
Ahem.
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By Terry - 20/08/2009 02:19:07
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WALKING THE DOG
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye
dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would
like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember..
?
....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGH IS A
DAY WASTED!!!
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By Terry - 20/08/2009 02:54:04
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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy till messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
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By Terry - 29/08/2009 00:45:34
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A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One bag rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag...'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop.
'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers... Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say,
'$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop.
'OK? Good luck!... Oh, by the way... what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
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By Terry - 29/08/2009 01:01:53
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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
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By Terry - 29/08/2009 01:23:20
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year.
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By Terry - 29/08/2009 01:51:02
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven..'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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By Tom Cherup - 04/09/2009 18:06:10
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Lodge Officers
By Anonymous
Worshipful Master
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, and walks on water.
Senior Warden
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks with God.
Junior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks with God with special approval.
Deacons
Barely clear a Quonset hut, looses tug of war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, passes water, and is occasionally addressed by God.
Treasurer
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap over buildings, is run over by a locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, dog paddles, and talks to animals.
Stewards
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings, says, "Look at the choo-choo," squirts self with water pistol, plays in mud puddles, and mutters to self.
Tiler
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat with a life jacket, talks to walls.
Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks
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By Alan Campbell - 04/09/2009 22:40:31
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Teacher:can anyone tell me which vegetable can you make cry. Little Johhny: That would be a turnip sir. Teacher:Surely you mean it would be an onion little johnny, Little johnny: Have you ever been hit in the nuts with a turnip sir?
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By Roy V - 05/09/2009 22:32:44
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I came across a really sad-looking AA man the other day .... I thought to myself "That lad's heading for a breakdown."
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By sojourner - 10/09/2009 16:24:33
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The lady of the house came downstairs sniffing into a handkerchief. "Whatever is the matter dear?" asks her concerned husband. "I've been looking in the mirror", she says. "I'm getting old. My hair is going grey, I'm putting on weight, my boobs are sagging, my bum's getting bigger and I'm wrinkling up like an old prune. I really need you to say something nice to me." "Oh, come on love and have a hug", says her husband. "it's not so bad. Look on the bright side. There's obviously nothing wrong with your eyesight." And then the fight started. :w00t:
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By Terry - 14/09/2009 11:15:53
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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot and points out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves beneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault unopened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!
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By Terry - 14/09/2009 11:19:50
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LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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By daves - 20/09/2009 00:56:31
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Marriage Guidance Counselling (Only for the Very Brave)
A couple had been married for 5 years and their relationship was deteriorating. They were still very fond of each other so decided to seek marriage guidance counselling.
The counsellor talked to them and listened to them both as a couple and individually.
The counsellor then delivered his judgement. "Even after 5 years of marriage you two really don't know very much about each other."
"Tell me," he said to the husband, "What is your wife's favourite flower?"
The husband thought for a moment and scratched his head.
"Self-raising, I think"
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By Tom Cherup - 25/09/2009 17:02:33
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Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.
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By Tom Cherup - 04/10/2009 18:32:00
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CAJUN PREACHERS ! !
Da End Be Near...........
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church
and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. It read: “Da End is Near, Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!”
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink
maybe da sign should juss say.....”Bridge Out”?
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By Peter Lorton - 15/10/2009 10:24:08
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Come on Brethren - where are the new stories? Litle boy- "Mom, why am I black when you are white?" Mother- "Don't even go there. From what I remember of that party, it's wonder you don't bark!" Sorry ;) Peter Lorton; L5600. L9169 C5056 C9169 EC
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By Fire Mist - 16/10/2009 15:49:21
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These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar.
"Boy, this is just in time...I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink.
"Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender.
"But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string.
With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street.
One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes.
"Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door.
Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?"
To which the string answered "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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By Fire Mist - 16/10/2009 15:58:44
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A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."
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By allybeggs - 21/10/2009 14:09:16
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Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place, although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire. 'Leeds ' he tells her. 'So am I', what suburb?' She enquires. 'Headingley' he replies. 'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Boycott Street ' he replies 'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering. 'What number?' 'Number 20' he replies She is totally astonished . 'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.' 'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.' HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE
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By Peter Lorton - 30/10/2009 09:43:40
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THE OLD MOTOR
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year
old woman was the talk
of the town. After being married a year, the couple
went to the hospital
for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room
to congratulate the old
gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you
do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the
old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the
hospital for the birth
of their second child. The same nurse was attending
the delivery and again went out to congratulate the
old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else.. How do
you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said,
You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for
the birth of their third child
The same nurse was there for this birth
also and, after the
delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman,
smiled, and said, well you are truly something else
How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told
you before, you gotta keep the old motor running
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.. This ones black.
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By Alan Campbell - 31/10/2009 11:57:22
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Little johnny answers the door and shouts through to his dad Dad, theres a man at the door with a bald head. Tell him to go away he shouts, i've already got one of those.
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By DHS - 09/11/2009 11:38:21
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In the treasurer's pocket a £1 coin bumps into his old pal a £10 note.
"Long time no see." says the coin, where have you been lately?
"All over the place," replies the £10 note. "I've been at the cinema several times, countless bars, the casino, lots of supermarkets and department stores. And that's just in the last month. How about you?"
"Oh, you know," says the £1 coin. "Lodge, church, lodge, church, lodge...."
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By Mike Martin - 14/11/2009 12:39:31
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Gents and Ladies, I am locking this topic for a while so that you can all read this. I have once again wasted time deleting jokes that appear more than once and those which have been cut n'pasted and make a mess of the pages. In order for this thread to remain open I must ask that from this point on Posters observe the following: 1) Remember this thread is for jokes. It is not a discussion thread it's just for jokes so please just jokes. This does not include any old stuff that you receive in emails, it must be jokes. 2) Check to see if your joke is already here. If you can't be bothered to check don't bother to post it. 3) When cut n' pasting from emails, EDIT your post before you put it here. If you can't be bothered to make it tidy for the Forum don't bother posting it. I will be bothered to delete it when I see it.
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By Stu Thorpe - 19/11/2009 16:19:19
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Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstonethat reads,'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
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By colin - 28/11/2009 22:29:05
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Two gay men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and, after a while, they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to hospital. A few days later his friend visits him in hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'Am I hurt?' he shouts. 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written.....'
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By Sparker - 29/11/2009 17:13:27
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Why is the movie "The Sixth Sense" similar to the movie "Titanic"? Icey dead people!:D
Tony.
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By Peter Lorton - 30/11/2009 16:39:28
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Little girl at her prayers : "Please God, send some clothes for the ladies on Grndad's computer"
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By freight10 - 30/11/2009 21:52:05
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A young mason is walking along the street one day when he passes a pet shop, he notices in the window 3 parrots, one clothed in an EA apron, another wearing an FC apron & the 3rd wearing an MM apron. The young man being a curious fellow walks in the shop & speaks with the owner. How much for the EA parrot he asks.. That's £500 replies the owner, why so much asks the mason, well because this is no ordinary parrot the owner say's it is capable of reciting the entire first degree, the working tools & the tracing board. Wow the mason replies, so how much then for the FC parrot, ah well that's £1000 answers the owner. A £1000 replies the shocked mason, well yes this parrot can recite the entire first degree, the working tools & the tracing board, the second degree, working tools & the tracing board plus the first & second degree charges. Well how much then for the MM parrot, £1500 for that one replies the owner, but that one can do all 3 degrees, all working tools, tracing boards, charges, you name it, he know's it. That;s incredible says the mason, he then notices in the corner of the shop an older parrot clothed in provincial blue... Ah the shop keeper says noticing the masons gaze, that parrot is £10. The mason can't believe it, why so little he says. The owner replies........well all it does is sit in the corner tutting & shaking it's head.
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By Tom Cherup - 01/12/2009 02:46:31
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Affordable Health Care
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance, He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "do you have a relative who could help you?" He said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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By Alan Campbell - 01/12/2009 15:53:56
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Salesman goes for a new job, and is asked if he some experience, a little he says. The manager says he will give him a try out and see how it goes. At the end of the day the manager visits the new employee and asks how many sales he has had. Just the one he says. One.... our salesman usually make 30 or 40 a day. How much was the sale for, £277,423. How much!! What did you sell him. A fishing hook, Then he needed a rod to go with it, so i sold him that, then i find out he needed a boat as he only fished offshore. So i took him to the boat department and got him a new boat, but the boat was bigger than his last one and his car wouldn't have been able to pull this one, so we went to auto sales and got him a new pick-up. Your telling me that a guy came in to buy a fishing hook and you manage to sell him a new rod, a new boat, and a new pick-up truck. No don't be daft he came in looking for a box of tampax for his girlfriend and i said well seeing as your weekend is screwed up at home you might as well go fishing. Employee of the month.
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By bod - 02/12/2009 09:57:08
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I had to fight off the Grim Reaper last night using a vacuum cleaner
Talk about Dyson with death.....
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By sjdobby - 15/12/2009 09:51:49
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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the
panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The
squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"
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By Tom Cherup - 17/12/2009 01:36:54
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It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Michigan asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
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By Alan Campbell - 18/12/2009 12:05:57
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Just for those who might over indulge during the festive season:- THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Phenomenal
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Phenomenon
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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By Tom Cherup - 01/01/2010 20:56:07
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The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, heh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
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By Tom Cherup - 02/01/2010 00:59:08
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Alcohol does not make you FAT
- it makes you LEAN....
--- against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
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By Keith - 11/01/2010 04:51:29
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We are all accustomed nowadays to organ transplants - kidneys, heart, lungs etc.
I heard that the Johns Hopkins Hospital and Medical School ion Baltimore has been doing brain transplants. At a news conference, someone asked what the price was for a brain. The doctor said that male brains are $5000, female brains are $1000,
When asked why the disparity in prices he said that they were forced to discount the price of the female brains - they had been used.
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By Stu Thorpe - 13/01/2010 10:52:42
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Little girl says to her mum - "Mummy, you're getting rather fat!"
Mum replies "Yes darling, but you know there's a baby growing in my tummy!"
Daughter replies "So what's growing in your arse?"
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By Tom Cherup - 14/01/2010 02:10:45
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DUI - MICHIGAN STYLE
(Only a person in da U.P. OF MICHIGAN could think of this)
From a region (da U.P.) where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story .
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine, Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine,
dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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By Peter Lorton - 17/01/2010 12:45:00
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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !"
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By Stu Thorpe - 17/01/2010 16:50:53
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Can I please add another reminder - if cutting and pasting jokes from other sources such as e-mails, please re-format them yourself - it will take we moderators much less time to delete them than edit them for you, so that may be the route we have to take!
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By Vintagemalt - 23/01/2010 15:06:24
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Dark thoughts..
One day an English mason, a Scottish mason, and an Irish mason were in the bar after the meeting.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
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By allybeggs - 03/02/2010 16:27:58
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Capello phoned Wayne Bridge the other night and told him John Terry has lost the Captains Armband, he says, "do me a favour, look under your bed"!
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By DHS - 16/02/2010 15:35:38
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Chap on a nudist beach sees an old man who has fallen asleep while reading and bits of him are starting to look a bit sunburt.
Not wishing to waken the gentleman he simply places the novel over the affected area but this upset the old man terribly.
Turns out he was the local magistrate and everyone knows you should never Cover a Judge by his Book.
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By Tom Cherup - 28/02/2010 01:13:25
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year
Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
Come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t.
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By allybeggs - 04/03/2010 16:23:03
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I've just been asked to donate my old clothes to some charity who look after starving people.
Anyone wanting my castoffs can't be that hungry. It's got to be a con
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By allybeggs - 05/03/2010 12:02:36
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David Beckham gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered.
"Quick Dave, i'm having a heart attack!" She cries!
As Becks picks up the phone, Brooklyn runs in crying.
"Daddy, Daddy, John Terry is in the wardrobe naked!"
Becks throws open the wardrobe door and sure enough there is JT naked as the day he was born.
Becks screams "are you some kind of d**k, Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked scaring the kids!"
:w00t:
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By sjdobby - 08/03/2010 17:40:31
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Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
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By Tom Cherup - 09/03/2010 00:40:33
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At a Gynecologist's Office- "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's Office- "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck- "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
At a Proctologist's Office- "To Expidite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's Truck- "We Repair What Your Husband Fixed."
On Another Plumber's Truck- "Don't Sleep with a Drip. Call your Plumber."
On a Church's Billboard- "Seven Days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop- "Invite Us to Your Next Blow-out."
At a Towiing Company- "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's Truck- "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."
In a Non-Smoking Area-"If we see smoke,we will assume you're on fire & take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room Door- "Push. Push. Push."
On a Fence- "Salesmen welcome! Dog Food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership- "The best way to get back on your feet - Miss a car payment!"
Outside a Muffler Shop- "No Appointment Necessary. We hear you coming."
In the Front Yard of the Funeral Home- "Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station- "Thank Heavens for little Grills."
At a Radiator Shop- Best Place in town to take a leak!"
On the Back of Another Septic Tank Truck- "Caution!- This Truck if FULL of Political Promises."
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By Tom Cherup - 24/03/2010 00:39:38
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Bible Study Humor
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted.. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
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By Vintagemalt - 01/04/2010 13:14:23
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SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak..
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shite out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***. 10) We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me' 12) The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Here endeth the lesson………………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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By Stu Thorpe - 06/04/2010 08:38:44
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Continuing on a Catholic Theme
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down
'Why'?
The worker yelled back,
"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"
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By Tom Cherup - 10/04/2010 23:01:01
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A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
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By Tom Cherup - 19/04/2010 20:50:50
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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
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By Tom Cherup - 19/04/2010 20:51:36
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The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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By Tom Cherup - 19/04/2010 20:52:13
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
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By Tom Cherup - 19/04/2010 20:53:17
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
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By Tom Cherup - 19/04/2010 20:54:35
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-a** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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By Tom Cherup - 25/04/2010 01:32:18
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Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole... The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately apologised. 'Please allow me to help! I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll let me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands into his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
'It feels great,' he said. 'But I still think my thumb's broken.'
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By Tom Cherup - 29/04/2010 03:04:02
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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By Tom Cherup - 29/04/2010 03:05:28
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As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said… ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard… 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was… ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
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By Roy V - 01/05/2010 11:52:39
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Saw this in today's paper: The boss of Ryanair goes into a bar in Dublin and orders a pint of Guinness. "That'll be one Euro," says the barman. "That's a very reasonable price." The barman leans forward: "And will ye be wanting a glass as well, Mr O'Leary?"
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By Tom Cherup - 04/05/2010 16:22:02
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Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven,Sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
You do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say when you came in late there?
They said, "Good morning General, can I get you coffee, sir?''
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By Tom Cherup - 04/05/2010 16:23:24
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
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By Tom Cherup - 04/05/2010 16:30:05
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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
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By Tom Cherup - 30/05/2010 00:34:22
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tony, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tony must have experienced.
"Tony was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tony's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tony.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tony is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and hobbled slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tony Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum
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By Tom Cherup - 02/06/2010 19:57:08
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A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn"t catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man’s head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.
The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."
After saving the rabbi"s hat, having received the rabbi"s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.
An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.
"You must have made a fortune," said the father.
"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son.
"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1" Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi"s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
"What happened?" asked the excited father.
"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"
"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.
"No," said the son.
"I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."
"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father.
"You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"
The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamaka."
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By Tom Cherup - 08/06/2010 01:25:50
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"A high school was having trouble with girls who put on heavy lipstick and kissed the mirror to blot it. They couldn't seem to stop it so one day the janitor hit upon an idea that worked, He caught a bunch of girls 'kissing the mirror' and he walked in with a squeegee and dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror. No more hot lips on the mirror."
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By Tom Cherup - 09/06/2010 16:07:12
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I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys like me are helpful like that.
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By Tom Cherup - 11/06/2010 19:28:28
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A general and his young lieutenant were traveling from their base to another base in a different state and were forced to travel with civilians on a passenger train. They found their booth, where two other people were already seated – an attractive young woman and her grandmother. For most of the trip, they conversed freely. The train entered a rather long and dark tunnel. Once inside the tunnel, the passengers in that particular car heard two distinctive sounds – the smooch of a kiss and the loud sound of a slap.
As they exited the tunnel, the attractive woman thought to herself how glad she was that the young lieutenant got up the courage to kiss her, but was somewhat disappointed at her grandmother for slapping him for doing it. The general thought to himself how proud he was of his young lieutenant for being enterprising enough to find the opportunity to kiss an attractive young woman, but was flabbergasted that she slapped him instead of the lieutenant. The grandmother was flabbergasted to think the young lieutenant would have the gall to kiss her granddaughter, but was proud of her granddaughter for slapping him for doing it. And the young lieutenant held back his laughter, for he had found the perfect opportunity to kiss an attractive young girl and slap a superior officer all at the same time!
Remember to take every opportunity life hands you!
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By Vintagemalt - 12/06/2010 11:46:20
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I was in the supermarket the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley. I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young man says, "That's OK, it’s a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours." ..... Most old blokes are helpful like that, specially Masons!
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By colin - 14/06/2010 00:44:31
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OK it's World Cup Football time again. Time for some Jokes. How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on ! | Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches ! | Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play ! | Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer ! | Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee ! | Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium ! | When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper ! | Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep ! | How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! | Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs ! |
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By Roy V - 14/06/2010 16:14:35
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With jokes like that, Colin, you deserve a penalty shoot-out.
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By Alan Campbell - 14/06/2010 23:11:26
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Would that mean that Rob Green is an insect or a fumble bee.
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By Fire Mist - 15/06/2010 14:01:59
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What did the Hat say to the Hatrack? You stay here, I'll go on a head.
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By Fire Mist - 15/06/2010 14:03:12
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Why can't a bicycle stand by itself? Because it is two tired.
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By Tom Cherup - 16/06/2010 01:27:27
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Vintagemalt (12/06/2010)
I was in the supermarket the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.
I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young man says, "That's OK, it’s a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours." .....
Most old blokes are helpful like that, specially Masons!
If i may correct you, and I should have stated when I first put online Lowes it's more of a "Man's" store. It's a warehouse open to the public of tools and builder supplies, landscaping, electrical, plumbing, etc.
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By Fire Mist - 16/06/2010 16:05:55
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Or, Home Depot................... :w00t: ================================= A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?' . . . . . . . . .
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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By Fire Mist - 22/06/2010 13:51:14
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at
the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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By sojourner - 22/06/2010 15:03:57
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the Pirate. "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a sea battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied,"Well OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The Pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine really." "What about the eye-patch?" enquired the bartender. "Oh," said the Pirate,"One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye." "You are kidding," said the barkeeper. "After all those battles, you couldn't lose an eye from a little bit of bird poop." "Ah," said the Pirate. "It was my first day with the hook."
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By Pilgrim - 29/06/2010 22:36:45
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Have you ever noticed how it's only ever 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed these days? "He/She was the perfect son/daughter." "They were such a perfect couple." "The perfect family killed in tragic accident." Doesn't it make you glad you're a ****?
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By Tom Cherup - 02/07/2010 22:32:19
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Kids Are Quick
___________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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By Tom Cherup - 02/07/2010 22:36:38
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.
He never heard the gunshot.
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By colin - 05/07/2010 11:05:21
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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional, "But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
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By colin - 05/07/2010 11:12:43
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Hope this ones allowed, not to sure how strict the censorship is here, but it is extremely funny. An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
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By Tom Cherup - 05/07/2010 21:00:33
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TRUE STORY
Debutante Ball
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal mess dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: no Jews please."
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in mess dress, four handsome, smiling black naval officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Maam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
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By colin - 10/07/2010 10:21:12
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear
first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
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By colin - 10/07/2010 10:22:38
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F*ck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
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By daves - 21/07/2010 10:48:17
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THANK GOODNESS FOR ITALIANS ...............
A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior
culture.
Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."
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By colin - 22/07/2010 09:54:03
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Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
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By colin - 23/07/2010 07:54:52
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
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By colin - 09/08/2010 12:35:33
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin | A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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By colin - 09/08/2010 12:40:20
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| Off to Vegas | A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!' |
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By sojourner - 09/08/2010 13:45:11
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**RRRIIINNNNG, RRRIIINNNNG** **Hello?** **Hi honey. This is Daddy** **Is Mummy near the phone?** **No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bert** After a brief pause **But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bert** **Oh yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now** Another pause **Uh, OK then. This is what I want you to do** **Put the phone down, run upstairs** **Knock on the bedroom door** **And shout to Mummy that Daddy's car has just pulled onto the drive** **OK, Daddy, just a minute** A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone **I did it Daddy** **And what happened honey?** **Well, Mummy got all scared. She jumped out of bed with no clothes on** **And ran about screaming** **Then she tripped over the rug, and hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all** **Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Bert?** **He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool** **But I guess he didn't know you drained all the water out last week**
**To clean it** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead** Long pause Longer pause Even longer pause Then Daddy says **Swimming pool?........** **Is this 217 - 404?** Another pause **No, I think you have the wrong number.......**
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By colin - 11/08/2010 12:17:37
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All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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By multisync - 26/08/2010 21:33:48
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Husband says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
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By Tom Cherup - 03/09/2010 18:20:53
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The Haircut
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked... "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked... "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked..."How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his assistant and said.. "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said..........."Your House! ".
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By WantToLearn - 03/09/2010 18:53:33
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Thats a gooden haha
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By Tom Cherup - 20/09/2010 18:32:23
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Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase, "You Gotta Be Sh_ttin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters , through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters , but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh_ttin me.'
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By RoughAshlar - 22/09/2010 11:36:02
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Ten points for #15!
Onyamate!
Cheers - RoughAshlar.
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By colin - 19/10/2010 11:24:28
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1. In 1843 John Callcot Horseley was the first person to design what?
CHRISTMAS CARD
2. Which England cricket captain was born on Christmas Eve 1932 (114 caps between 54 and 75)?
COLIN COWDREY
3. Which carol contains the lines "Be near me lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay
"AWAY IN A MANGER
4. Which comic genius died on Christmas Day 1977 in Switzerland aged 88?
CHARLIE CHAPLIN
5. Who had a Christmas No 1 hit with Lilly The Pink in 1968 ?
THE SCAFFOLD
6. What artistic competition was held for the first time at Cardigan castle on Christmas day 1176?
EISTEDDFOD
7. Kenny Everett was born on Christmas Day 1944 in which English city?
LIVERPOOL
8. Where in London is there a traditional swim in icy waters on Christmas Day?
HYDE PARK
9. What famous article was stolen from Westminster Abbey on Christmas day 1950?
STONE OF SCONE
10. Which sign of the Zodiac does Christmas day fall under?
CAPRICORN
11. What is the popular name of the white flowered hellebore which blooms from December to February?
CHRISTMAS ROSE
12. Two acts have had a No 1 with Mary's Boy Child name them both?
BONEY M / HARRY BELAFONTE
13. Two of Santa's Reindeers are called Donner and Blitzen what are their names translated into English?
THUNDER & LIGHTENING
14. Who in the 19th century is credited with introducing Christmas Trees to this country?
PRINCE ALBERT
15. Which western explorer discovered Christmas Island in 1777?
JAMES COOK
16. Which country has donated the Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square since 1947?
NORWAY
17. What is the date of Twelfth Night?
6 JANUARY
18. Who composed the song White Christmas?
IRVING BERLIN
19. In the cartoon who did the voice over for Robbie the Reindeer?
HARRY ENFIELD
20. What would you do to a chestnut to make it a Marron Glace?
COAT IT IN SUGAR
21. Which plant has the Latin name Viscum Album?
MISTLETOE
22. The King George VI chase is held on Boxing Day at which racecourse?
KEMPTON PARK
23. Who invented the Christmas Cracker and his name is still associated with there manufacture?
TOM SMITH
24. The shrine of Magi is said to hold the bones of the 3 wise men, in which German city would you find it?
COLOGNE
25. Which saint is associated with Father Christmas?
ST NICHOLAS
26. True or False - Christmas island is so named because it was discovered on Christmas Day?
TRUE
27. True or False - Christmas day has been celebrated on the 25th December since AD158?
FALSE - AD336
28. True or False - The majority of Christmas customs have their origins in the Roman festival of saturnalia?
TRUE
29. True or False - Bethlehem is Hebrew for house of bread?
TRUE
30. It is a traditional at Christmas in Devon to burn a decorated bundle of Hay?
FALSE - A Decorated Faggot! |
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By Tom Cherup - 22/10/2010 17:42:03
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The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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By RoughAshlar - 29/10/2010 05:08:31
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Seeing that Halloween will be upon us soon, please allow me to present you with this groaner:
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
.
.
.
.
.
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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By Rueben Moriarty - 25/11/2010 20:13:38
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A police officer who stops a man walking erratically down the street in the wee small hours asks where he thinks he's going. The fellow replies... "Officer , I'm on my way to a lecture on Free... hic... Freemasonry, offisher." The Police Officer asks, "But it's 3am, who's going to give you a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of the morning?" Our Hero replies "My Wife when I get home"!
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By colin - 16/12/2010 04:40:40
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
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By Stu Thorpe - 16/12/2010 16:07:40
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"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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By RoughAshlar - 16/12/2010 17:03:56
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One guesses that stone hard boiled eggs are par in that household.
Cheers - RoughAshlar.
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By DHS - 21/12/2010 12:06:15
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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By Tom Cherup - 21/12/2010 19:43:32
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Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Bill's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bill sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
Well, I've been here since this morning. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair, and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
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By Dafydd - 21/12/2010 20:44:27
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Hilarious! Thanks !
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By Tom Cherup - 02/01/2011 18:04:41
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You Have to Love A Good Nurse
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised
him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that
it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown
up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private
parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that
doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in
large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . from the
nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.
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By Roy V - 12/01/2011 00:11:13
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What's brown and sticky? A Wand.
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By Tom Cherup - 14/01/2011 02:58:04
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1. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think yo can keep your head down that long?"
2. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
3. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
4. Golfer: "Do you think can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventualy."
5. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world"
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
6. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
7. Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
8. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
9. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
10. Best Caddy Comment
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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By sojourner - 22/01/2011 10:45:17
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness."
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V "We're having granite worktops."
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By sojourner - 23/01/2011 17:40:41
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father visited a large city for the first time and were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this thing father?" The father (Never having seen an elevator before) replied,"Son, I have never seen anything like it in my life. I have no idea what it is. While the boy and his father continued to watch in amazement, a fat, old 'bag-lady' type woman lumbered up to the shiny silver doors and pressed a button. The walls moved apart revealing a small room. The woman stepped inside and the walls closed again. Mesmerized, the father and son watched numbers above the walls light up sequentially until it reached the last number. After a pause the numbers lit up in descending order. The walls moved apart again and a stunning blonde in her early twenties walked out. Never taking his eyes off this vision of lovlieness, the father said quietly to his son. "Go fetch your mother."
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By Tom Cherup - 29/01/2011 23:16:44
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A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
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By Tom Cherup - 10/02/2011 01:26:59
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This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
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By Mosaic - 17/03/2011 21:06:05
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What's the difference between a short sighted archer & a constipated owl?
One shoots, but can't hit...
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By Tom Cherup - 28/03/2011 18:32:17
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A new sign in the Bank lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
************ ********* **********
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card-holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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By Society of No-Homers - 08/04/2011 14:35:27
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An oldie but my favourite mason joke - apologies if already posted.
A mason is staggering down the road in the early hours of the morning and gets stopped by a police officer.
"Where are you going at this time in the morning", enquires the officer
"To a masonic lecture", slurs the mason.
"A masonic lecture at 3:00 in the morning !" , replies the incredulous officer, "Who on earth gives masonic lectures at this unsocial hour ?"
"My wife" replies the crest-fallen mason.
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By Tom Cherup - 02/05/2011 19:21:31
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English Lesson
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is :
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
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By Tom Cherup - 09/06/2011 23:51:56
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A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to
see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
.....Dead silence... He had no
trouble with discipline that year.
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By Peter Lorton - 16/08/2011 15:25:32
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Come on Brethren. There hasn't been a new posting for weeks. Regetably the one I keep getting (mainly from Brethren) I can't forward to this site. Pitty really, some are very good.
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By sojourner - 18/08/2011 14:55:08
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FIVE LADS' RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE:-
1. It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time and helps clear up.
2. It is important to have a woman who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to have a woman that you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very, VERY important that these four women do not know each other and that they never meet.
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By Brother_TJ - 18/08/2011 19:55:06
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Oh your bad..fortunately I found a woman that has all these traits.
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By Mike Martin - 23/08/2011 10:13:12
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Our Father, who art in prison, Mum don't know his name ... Thy riots come, read it in 'The Sun', In Birmingham as it is in London. Give us this day our Giro cheque, And forgive us our looting. As we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us Lead us not into employment But Deliver us free housing, For thine is the Reebok, The Burberry & Bacardi. Forever and ever .. Innit
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By Mike Winther - 24/08/2011 04:19:13
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that was a good chuckle:D
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By sojourner - 24/08/2011 16:33:00
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Subject: THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear
nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is
that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you're an ugly bastard and ain't got the
balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
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By sojourner - 24/08/2011 18:21:10
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My wife asked me," How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied,"Only you darling. With all the others I was awake."
Hospital visiting Hours are 2pm to 4pm and 7pm t0 9pm.
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By Torrentius - 15/09/2011 04:01:41
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Have to give a toast to the Secretary and Treasurer at our PM's dinner....
Anyone got some good quips about these two Offices ?
Regards,
T.
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By Tom Cherup - 31/10/2011 00:35:55
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An Amish woman was driving her buggy to
town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your
horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.
" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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By Tom Cherup - 31/10/2011 00:39:48
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THE STUTTERING KITTEN FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...YOU NEVER KNOW. A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.
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By 3GP441 - 31/10/2011 13:42:14
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A local charity office realised that their organisation had never received a donation from the town's successful MP. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £200,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The MP mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has private medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The MP interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled soldier, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the MP's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the MP cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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By Tom Cherup - 06/11/2011 00:10:38
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Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.
CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?
Cowboy: Nah... She ain't That ugly!!
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By Tom Cherup - 18/11/2011 01:04:07
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I was in Costco the other day, pushing a cart around, when Icollided with a young guy also pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for mywife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'mlooking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does yourwife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blondhair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight whiteshorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
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By Drywors - 07/01/2012 17:51:23
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The police have had reports from the Temperance Society of heavy drinking taking place at the local Lodge.
A police detail is despatched and their car is parked close to the Lodge.
After a while, the Lodge door bursts open and a man stumbles out, dropping his case, and staggering to his car. He is followed by other brethern who make for their cars.
After dropping his keys a few times he manages to get into his car, flashes his lights and number of times and then falls out of the car.. The police break cover and pull him out of the car and breatheralize him. But the result is negative. Standing on one leg is done without any problem.
"Are you the Master of that Lodge" asks the policeman.
"No I am the Lodge Deceiver" is the reply.
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By Drywors - 07/01/2012 18:24:27
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For the Scots.
Angus is sitting by the side of the Loch with Amy.Hours pass without any speach when suddenly Amy says "Penny for your thoughts Angus"
"I was wonderin, could ye sit a little closer Amy" says Angus. Amy moves closer and the silence decends once again.
Eventually Amy breaks the silence once again "Penny for yer thoughts Angus" she says. "I was wonderin if you would mind if I held yer hand" says Angus.They hold hands and the silence decends once again.
Hours pass in total silence once again, when a worried look appears on the face of Angus. "penny for yer thoughts Angus" says Amy.
"I was just wonderin when ye will pay me the two pennies ye owe me " says Angus.
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By Drywors - 07/01/2012 18:34:32
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A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working.
After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture, the W.M., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
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By Tom Cherup - 17/02/2012 02:06:44
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After finishing her shift as a nurse a wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can.
Once she's done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi sweetheart," he says,"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello to them?"
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By Eclipse mason - 17/02/2012 15:03:01
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A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What′s going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side–lines.
The other replies "It′s a match between the Freemasons and the Knights Templars ."
"What′s the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it′s a secret."
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By Tom Cherup - 05/03/2012 00:42:09
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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"
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By JTR - 05/03/2012 18:10:39
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:D:D
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By Monkey Brother - 06/03/2012 13:35:45
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Stop me if you've heard it...
During the height of the cold war, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet. They arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other 5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever. The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.
The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler bitches and bred them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and fed it a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After five years of fierce breeding, Russia had managed to create the biggest, most vicious dog the world had ever seen. Finally Russia and America met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination.
Although its cage had 4-inch-thick reinforced steel-bars, everyone was afraid to even go near the Russian monster-dog. When the Russians saw the American dog, they burst into laughter. America had sent a weird looking 9-foot-long Dachshund! The Russian breeders felt a little sorry for the Dachshund, because they knew it didn't have the slightest chance to last even 10 seconds against Russia's killer. When the bell announced the beginning of the fight, the Russian dog leaped out of its cage, snarled, and charged the American Dachshund. The Dachshund slowly waddled out of its cage towards the Russian dog. But just when the Russian champion looked like it was going to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The Russian monster was gone!
The Russian politicians, shaking their heads in disbelief, walked over to the cheering Americans and said: "We don‘t understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves!" "That’s nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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By BootleBuck - 06/03/2012 18:13:10
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Unfotunately Burns Night was cancelled at the last minute........Apparently a articulated lorry contaning potatoes and turnips was stolen...........................Police are peeling for information
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By JTR - 06/03/2012 18:29:55
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**groan** :)
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By George P - 06/03/2012 23:26:23
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A chap goes out duck shooting one morning. He waits by the lake, and soon a duck comes over, fast and high. He raises his gun, fires a shot, and the duck crumples in mid air and falls in the field behind him.
He puts down his gun and climbs over the fence into the field to retrieve the duck when the farmer who owns the field arrives and picks up the duck.
"hang on" says the hunter, "I shot that duck, it's mine"
"Ahh" Says the farmer, "round here, the duck belongs to the person whose land it falls on"
"but I shot it, It's mine" says the hunter
"OK" says the farmer, we also have a tradition here, that we can fight for it -Traditionally each of us has 3 kicks at the other one, and whoever gives in, then the other is the winner, and takes the duck. Tradition is, that as I am the landowner, I get the 3 kicks first"
"OK, go for it" says the hunter, bracing himself.
The farmer backs up, takes a run up and kicks the guy right in the chest. he falls to the ground, coughing in pain, but stands up and says "OK go for your second kick"
The farmer steps back, then lets fly a savage kick to the knee. The hunter falls to the ground in agony, tears of pain welling up. He struggles to his feet, "OK take your third kick, he says, thinking "I'll show this country idiot how tough I am"
The farmer takes a final swing and kicks him right between the legs. The hunter doubles in agony, in excrutiating pain. After about 3 minutes, he gets his breath back, climbs to his feet and says to the farmer:
"OK you have had your 3 kicks, now it's my turn"
The farmer says:
"no, frankly I can't be bothered: you can keep the duck"
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